"but it's a long time between trains"
Sep. 10th, 2004 02:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
omnia_mutantura month or so ago, my doctor suggested upping the effexor a little bit. that i wait until after the move so i've got at least the vaguest hint of a base state. and that maybe all this anxiety is where my depression goes. though normally depression follows rooting out anxiety, not vice versa.
i wish i was more calm about my medication. i wish i could accept it, these little pills laid out before me, in theory, keeping me from the excesses of my own mind and the subsequent excesses of behavior. i can feel it when i forget a dose, more when i forget two, though i have no idea how long either of them takes to clear my system, so it might be all lies and nursery tales i tell myself.
but the world feels dangerous and slippery today, full of people not telling me things, or not answering the questions i ask, or not hearing the words i say. it feels like language is falling away from me again.
and maybe it's just a lack of reply emails, and the anxiety of wondering what i've done this time, even if all it is is i haven't been interesting enough, or crossed one of those lines i can't see. the world is full up of people with too many things on their plates, why should i imagine they want to add me?
nota bene: this is not a plea for attention. i'm musing at best, and whinging at worst. i make my choices and i stand by them, and even if the outcome of a choice isn't what i intended, i'll own that as best i can too.
i'm not miserable, i'm getting things under control, and someone dear to me made me realize that i can try and choose to accept this. and i need to remember that once we're done unpacking, and cleaning the old place, i'll have the energy to keep the new place in the manner i prefer.
i am recently become re-enamored of TS Eliot and wish for someone to read him aloud to, until I get the rhythms right.
i fell asleep on the couch last night. i have a feeling i'll be doing that thursdays. it's startlingly comfortable.
i wonder what happens if i stop reaching out.
i wish i was more calm about my medication. i wish i could accept it, these little pills laid out before me, in theory, keeping me from the excesses of my own mind and the subsequent excesses of behavior. i can feel it when i forget a dose, more when i forget two, though i have no idea how long either of them takes to clear my system, so it might be all lies and nursery tales i tell myself.
but the world feels dangerous and slippery today, full of people not telling me things, or not answering the questions i ask, or not hearing the words i say. it feels like language is falling away from me again.
and maybe it's just a lack of reply emails, and the anxiety of wondering what i've done this time, even if all it is is i haven't been interesting enough, or crossed one of those lines i can't see. the world is full up of people with too many things on their plates, why should i imagine they want to add me?
nota bene: this is not a plea for attention. i'm musing at best, and whinging at worst. i make my choices and i stand by them, and even if the outcome of a choice isn't what i intended, i'll own that as best i can too.
i'm not miserable, i'm getting things under control, and someone dear to me made me realize that i can try and choose to accept this. and i need to remember that once we're done unpacking, and cleaning the old place, i'll have the energy to keep the new place in the manner i prefer.
i am recently become re-enamored of TS Eliot and wish for someone to read him aloud to, until I get the rhythms right.
i fell asleep on the couch last night. i have a feeling i'll be doing that thursdays. it's startlingly comfortable.
i wonder what happens if i stop reaching out.
