"getting right under my skin"
Jun. 29th, 2004 04:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
omnia_mutanturmoody days, potentially premenstrual, potentially just scared.
the condo mostly passed inspection, with a couple little details to be fixed.
we made pancakes last night, and the starter for mask's chili.
it appears STBF is going to the housewarming. which, of course, sets off every flight instinct in my body. and no matter what advice about she only has the power i give her i get, nothing changes. i'm better, even if no one can see it, and i don't think it's jealousy exactly, since i don't think jealousy feels quite so much like wanting to crawl into bed and hide.
and i'm hoping this passes with time, that it's just another spine i have to grow. it's not a contest, i don't have to be better than her, just different. and he may have married her, but he's with me, and i'll always choice the present tense over a ring.
and maybe it's not that she was married to him, but that she wanted him (and who knows, maybe it's present tense) back, and everything i had to repress when i tried to urge him to actually think about what he wanted rather than just go with the "well, i'm with you now" response comes back to make my hands shake when i'm chopping peppers.
maybe it's that i think i can't ever measure favorably against someone i think of as prettier, more successful, classier than i am. maybe it has nothing to do with Light, and everything do with everything i've internalized over the years about not being good enough, and she's just a standin for the doubts i've accumulated over the years.
or maybe it is jealousy, and i just don't know what it really looks like. i don't think i mind when he talks to her, the only reason i've asked him to tell me is so we can thwart my fears of having things kept from me because i'm too weak to handle them. yeah, i minded when he was going to blow off his birthday plans with me, but i'm guessing that at least borders if not reasonable, than understandable.
i think i should be able to go and have a good time.
and i think i kinda hate myself for not being that person yet.
the condo mostly passed inspection, with a couple little details to be fixed.
we made pancakes last night, and the starter for mask's chili.
it appears STBF is going to the housewarming. which, of course, sets off every flight instinct in my body. and no matter what advice about she only has the power i give her i get, nothing changes. i'm better, even if no one can see it, and i don't think it's jealousy exactly, since i don't think jealousy feels quite so much like wanting to crawl into bed and hide.
and i'm hoping this passes with time, that it's just another spine i have to grow. it's not a contest, i don't have to be better than her, just different. and he may have married her, but he's with me, and i'll always choice the present tense over a ring.
and maybe it's not that she was married to him, but that she wanted him (and who knows, maybe it's present tense) back, and everything i had to repress when i tried to urge him to actually think about what he wanted rather than just go with the "well, i'm with you now" response comes back to make my hands shake when i'm chopping peppers.
maybe it's that i think i can't ever measure favorably against someone i think of as prettier, more successful, classier than i am. maybe it has nothing to do with Light, and everything do with everything i've internalized over the years about not being good enough, and she's just a standin for the doubts i've accumulated over the years.
or maybe it is jealousy, and i just don't know what it really looks like. i don't think i mind when he talks to her, the only reason i've asked him to tell me is so we can thwart my fears of having things kept from me because i'm too weak to handle them. yeah, i minded when he was going to blow off his birthday plans with me, but i'm guessing that at least borders if not reasonable, than understandable.
i think i should be able to go and have a good time.
and i think i kinda hate myself for not being that person yet.
