"it's got a backbeat"
Jul. 20th, 2004 12:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
omnia_mutanturi find myself with less and less to say in here.
i'm confused by the world, and have no idea how to sort everything out. i don't know if i need to, but i think i'm going to ground again (or maybe still, or maybe i have been for years) parts of me have everything i want, a wonderful person to be in love with, who compliments what i produce as i try to teach myself how to cook, and he's buying a house, which if i can get over the strangeness of having no legal claim whatsoever to where i'm inhabiting, very well might give me the sense of safety i've been craving all these years. a job that pays my bills, happy cats, the need for another bookcase, and people to love.
parts of me look at what i'm doing and panic, running around in 'oh-mi-god' circles, as i give up what i claimed to be success, an apartment i've lived in through roommate change after roommate change. and i know that i'm the bad guy, over and over again, or not worth stay in touch with, and i'm okay with that, because i made the best decisions i could, or i think i did. maybe i would have done something differently, but i'm done with the chasing.
i'm tempted to take an evening class at GCC. I don't know in what, and i don't know if it will be a waste of time and energy, or a bit of an outlet that doesn't require me to be social, only present and listening. my mind is itchy, and what junkyard was showing me was enough, but then it stopped being enough.
i had an amazing time this weekend, history and spark and light (people) and lasagna and icecream and scrabble and resident evil (things) and cuddling with a goodsmelling snuggly girl. (by the gods i miss girlflesh, for so many different reasons, not all of them sexual) and then there was lyric's arrival the next day while i was in the shower, and breakfast at sylvesters (i need to learn to make good cornbread) and berrypicking and finally seeing Shrek 2, and strawberry soup and salad, and a firefly commentary watched, and then raspberry pie made after she left. the next day was blueberry pancakes for breakfast (need to not use the buttermilk recipe again, or maybe more buttermilk) and then hauling ass to get to a 11:35 showing of I, Robot and then b&n (i feel guilty reading books that i don't own right now, like i'm somehow neglecting the books i have at home, which is a new feeling) we didn't go to linens'n'things, which is probably good, because i would have spent money (but, oh, how i need a spatula and real bowls) and then i think there was more b5.
i think we'll be watching less tv for a while. or at least i will. and when i proposed we spend more time on the computer, he laughed, because apparently i'm the best geek girlfriend ever. i think i just want everything a little more interactive than it is.
my review of Time Traveller's Wife for another website netted me an ARC of something else, which makes it all worthwhile, but i'm trying to figure out what i want to say about Bonesetter's Daughter, which i finished over the weekend. (I also finished the second book of tales of the otori, which was thoroughly enjoyable)
i say most of what feels like it needs saying, needs to be out of my head and into text, to sanguine and junkyard and light and lyric via email during the day. i wonder if i'm learning more about how to be private, or something else entirely.
i'm scared and excited all at once about falconridge. and we bought me a superdorky sunumbrella, which will hopefully keep me from toasting. (toasting? broasting?)
i'm making sanguine a mix in my head, but the tracklist changes with every cd i listen to, and every song i forget i want to put on it.
i wonder if i'll change when i live in a house.
i'm confused by the world, and have no idea how to sort everything out. i don't know if i need to, but i think i'm going to ground again (or maybe still, or maybe i have been for years) parts of me have everything i want, a wonderful person to be in love with, who compliments what i produce as i try to teach myself how to cook, and he's buying a house, which if i can get over the strangeness of having no legal claim whatsoever to where i'm inhabiting, very well might give me the sense of safety i've been craving all these years. a job that pays my bills, happy cats, the need for another bookcase, and people to love.
parts of me look at what i'm doing and panic, running around in 'oh-mi-god' circles, as i give up what i claimed to be success, an apartment i've lived in through roommate change after roommate change. and i know that i'm the bad guy, over and over again, or not worth stay in touch with, and i'm okay with that, because i made the best decisions i could, or i think i did. maybe i would have done something differently, but i'm done with the chasing.
i'm tempted to take an evening class at GCC. I don't know in what, and i don't know if it will be a waste of time and energy, or a bit of an outlet that doesn't require me to be social, only present and listening. my mind is itchy, and what junkyard was showing me was enough, but then it stopped being enough.
i had an amazing time this weekend, history and spark and light (people) and lasagna and icecream and scrabble and resident evil (things) and cuddling with a goodsmelling snuggly girl. (by the gods i miss girlflesh, for so many different reasons, not all of them sexual) and then there was lyric's arrival the next day while i was in the shower, and breakfast at sylvesters (i need to learn to make good cornbread) and berrypicking and finally seeing Shrek 2, and strawberry soup and salad, and a firefly commentary watched, and then raspberry pie made after she left. the next day was blueberry pancakes for breakfast (need to not use the buttermilk recipe again, or maybe more buttermilk) and then hauling ass to get to a 11:35 showing of I, Robot and then b&n (i feel guilty reading books that i don't own right now, like i'm somehow neglecting the books i have at home, which is a new feeling) we didn't go to linens'n'things, which is probably good, because i would have spent money (but, oh, how i need a spatula and real bowls) and then i think there was more b5.
i think we'll be watching less tv for a while. or at least i will. and when i proposed we spend more time on the computer, he laughed, because apparently i'm the best geek girlfriend ever. i think i just want everything a little more interactive than it is.
my review of Time Traveller's Wife for another website netted me an ARC of something else, which makes it all worthwhile, but i'm trying to figure out what i want to say about Bonesetter's Daughter, which i finished over the weekend. (I also finished the second book of tales of the otori, which was thoroughly enjoyable)
i say most of what feels like it needs saying, needs to be out of my head and into text, to sanguine and junkyard and light and lyric via email during the day. i wonder if i'm learning more about how to be private, or something else entirely.
i'm scared and excited all at once about falconridge. and we bought me a superdorky sunumbrella, which will hopefully keep me from toasting. (toasting? broasting?)
i'm making sanguine a mix in my head, but the tracklist changes with every cd i listen to, and every song i forget i want to put on it.
i wonder if i'll change when i live in a house.
