![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
"now I'm just making up facts"
Dec. 4th, 2024 12:55 amLists make posts, right? If you can't find the narrative thread because there isn't one, just make lists.
1. I had a lovely feast day, we had friends up from DC that we don't see nearly often enough, my menu was extensive and delicious and there was a vat of caramelized onion gravy. There was also Tofurky, Tofurky ham,cider chestnut stuffing, whole grain mustard mashed potatoes, thai curry sweet potatoes, maple cider cranberry sauce, apple and brussels sprout slaw, ras el hanout broccoli spoon salad, green beans with garlic and ginger, maple roasted brussels sprouts, pies from a local bakery and a local ice cream place and we’re still living off the leftovers. Nonsense is absolutely infatuated with both of our guests, and I’m pretty sure she remembers them from year to year. We got to play The Dead House which has an absolutely fantastic concept, and sit around reading in front of our fire a bunch.
2. Light's back is out, and he can't go to PAX Unplugged in this state. We're contemplating him staying at a hotel up here (since he can't handle the dogs in his current state) while Abundance and I go down to Philadelphia, and that feels weird but all options feel shitty. But there’s a lot of indie games I might get to play, and panels I might get to attend if I go, and I’ve been looking forward to it for quite some time and Light claims he’d be happier if we went without him rather than stayed home with him. Last year, when I went to the convention, I also made a point of going back to the PMA for the first time in a gazillion years, and it felt amazing to see the Dorothea Tanning painting i’m obsessed with, to have it and the tattoo I got based on it in the same space, some sort of full-circle-ness, but it was also hard and maybe I don’t need to face down the demon of my college years and all they contained again this time.
3. I’ve had session zero of a game of Brindlewood Bay that I’m really excited about. I’ve been playing more online games, mostly Yazeba’s and Wanderhome, and I can turn anything into a meditation on aging and how our bodies support and betray us, but it’s going to be neat to be in a game where aging and gender are going to be explicit narrative focuses. Also, I got a compliment in a game of Yazeba’s that I’m going to continue to clutch to my chest, something to the effect that when I played a specific character, I was clearly an adult and not a teenager, but I was also clearly an adult who was also a goblin.” I continue to have an endless appetite for indie rpgs, and am starting to try to work my way through more solo journaling games, some of which have been awesome. Next, I need to find a solid epistolary game to play.
4. I’m struggling so hard with reading right now, other than the audiobook Abundance and I listen to when in the car, I don’t seem to be able to consume the written word, which is clearly another sign that all is not well internally.
5 (or more of 4). We’re switching up my meds, or we’re adding one and upping the dosage of another one and I hate this position where I need to try to pay some attention to my mental state to notice what might be working when the last thing I want to be doing is looking more closely at my thoughts than I absolutely have to, when I feel more like they should be treated like a snake I’m pinning down with a forked stick and staying a respectful distance away from.
6. I keep trying to do out-in-the-world things, which I’m probably being successful at, but never feels like I’m quite successful enough. But I took a guided walk in the fells this morning, and went to a geoarcheologist’s talk this evening and I checked out a new-to-me Trustees property this weekend and tomorrow I’m going to try to go take in the winter lights at a nearby botanical garden with Delight and Spark. (while they still delight me, are a delight to know and bring delight to the world, I think maybe I need to find a username that encompasses more). I’m not sure what success would feel like, so I suspect I’ll never feel like I’ve succeeded, because there’s so much more I want to do, and instead remain daunted by cowardice and early sunsets. I lack the ability to get myself there physically (yes, I know the boys can drive me and lyft exists) or emotionally (I’m nearly 50 years old, I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself, I just need to get the rest of me on board with that sentiment) and I spend a lot of time feeling bad about that.
7. There’s a text based queer dating app that I don’t post personals to, but I think about what I’d say sometimes and the latest bid for attention that’s on my mind is “Do not enough people send you pictures of cool rocks they picked up on the beach? Do you not have enough people to send pictures of cool things you saw in the woods?" and then I'd want to say something clever about attempting to address those lacks.
Look, a post.
1. I had a lovely feast day, we had friends up from DC that we don't see nearly often enough, my menu was extensive and delicious and there was a vat of caramelized onion gravy. There was also Tofurky, Tofurky ham,cider chestnut stuffing, whole grain mustard mashed potatoes, thai curry sweet potatoes, maple cider cranberry sauce, apple and brussels sprout slaw, ras el hanout broccoli spoon salad, green beans with garlic and ginger, maple roasted brussels sprouts, pies from a local bakery and a local ice cream place and we’re still living off the leftovers. Nonsense is absolutely infatuated with both of our guests, and I’m pretty sure she remembers them from year to year. We got to play The Dead House which has an absolutely fantastic concept, and sit around reading in front of our fire a bunch.
2. Light's back is out, and he can't go to PAX Unplugged in this state. We're contemplating him staying at a hotel up here (since he can't handle the dogs in his current state) while Abundance and I go down to Philadelphia, and that feels weird but all options feel shitty. But there’s a lot of indie games I might get to play, and panels I might get to attend if I go, and I’ve been looking forward to it for quite some time and Light claims he’d be happier if we went without him rather than stayed home with him. Last year, when I went to the convention, I also made a point of going back to the PMA for the first time in a gazillion years, and it felt amazing to see the Dorothea Tanning painting i’m obsessed with, to have it and the tattoo I got based on it in the same space, some sort of full-circle-ness, but it was also hard and maybe I don’t need to face down the demon of my college years and all they contained again this time.
3. I’ve had session zero of a game of Brindlewood Bay that I’m really excited about. I’ve been playing more online games, mostly Yazeba’s and Wanderhome, and I can turn anything into a meditation on aging and how our bodies support and betray us, but it’s going to be neat to be in a game where aging and gender are going to be explicit narrative focuses. Also, I got a compliment in a game of Yazeba’s that I’m going to continue to clutch to my chest, something to the effect that when I played a specific character, I was clearly an adult and not a teenager, but I was also clearly an adult who was also a goblin.” I continue to have an endless appetite for indie rpgs, and am starting to try to work my way through more solo journaling games, some of which have been awesome. Next, I need to find a solid epistolary game to play.
4. I’m struggling so hard with reading right now, other than the audiobook Abundance and I listen to when in the car, I don’t seem to be able to consume the written word, which is clearly another sign that all is not well internally.
5 (or more of 4). We’re switching up my meds, or we’re adding one and upping the dosage of another one and I hate this position where I need to try to pay some attention to my mental state to notice what might be working when the last thing I want to be doing is looking more closely at my thoughts than I absolutely have to, when I feel more like they should be treated like a snake I’m pinning down with a forked stick and staying a respectful distance away from.
6. I keep trying to do out-in-the-world things, which I’m probably being successful at, but never feels like I’m quite successful enough. But I took a guided walk in the fells this morning, and went to a geoarcheologist’s talk this evening and I checked out a new-to-me Trustees property this weekend and tomorrow I’m going to try to go take in the winter lights at a nearby botanical garden with Delight and Spark. (while they still delight me, are a delight to know and bring delight to the world, I think maybe I need to find a username that encompasses more). I’m not sure what success would feel like, so I suspect I’ll never feel like I’ve succeeded, because there’s so much more I want to do, and instead remain daunted by cowardice and early sunsets. I lack the ability to get myself there physically (yes, I know the boys can drive me and lyft exists) or emotionally (I’m nearly 50 years old, I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself, I just need to get the rest of me on board with that sentiment) and I spend a lot of time feeling bad about that.
7. There’s a text based queer dating app that I don’t post personals to, but I think about what I’d say sometimes and the latest bid for attention that’s on my mind is “Do not enough people send you pictures of cool rocks they picked up on the beach? Do you not have enough people to send pictures of cool things you saw in the woods?" and then I'd want to say something clever about attempting to address those lacks.
Look, a post.
