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"regardless grown"
Jun. 2nd, 2021 12:12 pmI'm in one of those anxiety-infused states, where all the things have already happened and/or been done wrong or communicated badly. Or just felt guilty about, in that way of tensing for the thing going wrong. Abundance took me all over creation this morning and waited in a car with me for a long time and it was lovely, we finished the book we were listening to and cast about for a new one. But also, we were waiting in a car forever, and Light gets impatient and my dad got impatient at any delay and so I don't exactly notice that I'm tense until either it's after, or I until I get tenser.
We went to the sekrit dog beach this morning, except there was a police car in the parking lot, so we didn't let the dogs off leash to chase each other up and down the beach or chase balls into the ocean. And then we came home and picked up Brat to take her to the vet. We had to euthanize Noisy last week today, taking her to an emergency vet and talking ourselves into remembering that she was a 17yo cat, and the thing we wanted most of all was for her not to die alone (and yes, I'm bawling typing this) and so we held her while they euthanized her, and it was the same emergency vet we had to euthanize Funnyface in and I wish I'd made a different decision with Funnyface and not made her spend the night over at the same hospital but that's hindsight because at the time we had hope, even if it was misplaced hope.
But we took Noisy to the vet, and of course I'm convinced she's going to die too and then we saw the vet that euthanized Princess, and I can't even. And I miscommunicated with Light so he was waiting longer than he wanted to wait, and I don't get to hear from the vet about the results until tomorrow.
And the tire popped on our car sometime over Friday night, so Light borrowed Abundance's car to go to his cousin's wake, and we didn't manage to get it replaced yesterday and we got told that it could be replaced today, but then the place we left it changed their mind and doesn't have tires that work and after Light said polite things and hung up, he then shouted and that was on top of a miscommunication about timing and now he's being snippy at another service place and so yeah, my fear response as per usual, activates quickly and skips the flight part, I want to just go away and I don't even know where, I'm just that panicky in my chest and stomach feeling that makes me want to vomit. And I'm going to almost certainly have to drive either an unfamiliar car or a car driving on a spare from point a to point b, and I think I'm too shaky right now.) (update: Abundance could, so at least I'm going to get some weeping alone in the shower time, but now that I'm all up, I'm worried about the drive over to the tire place, and if Light flips out that Abundance is on the phone while he does so, but I'm not going to ask, because I can't handle negotiating the response, I'll just let them have that discussion with each other.
But I've told my little brother and his wife (whose kids I take care of on Thursdays) that I might not have the car tomorrow, so at least I've already dealt with the initial part of disappointing my sister-in-law, who then maybe won't want me to keep hanging out with them on Thursdays. Teach has been super-supportive of me not talking to my parents, but my parents were over there last week when I couldn't go because of the aforementioned dead cat, and I wouldn't put it past my mom to say weird passive-aggressive things about me to my niblings, so there's that.
All the fucking feelings, and I don't want to be having any of them right now. And that's on top of a lovely layer of feeling guilty about not even being good at being a housewife these days because I'm sad and lost, and a layer of how to talk to Light about my worries about us starting WoW again (we started, it is fun, he plays without me as well, and it's a lot more than I expected and the last time it was because we were both super-depressed and so I was going to talk about it at our date night (tonight)) but if he's already shouty-upset even if it isn't at me, even if he wouldn't shout at me, I'm worried, and so I won't talk to him about that, or about him finally scheduling a date with his girlfriend that he hasn't seen for the entirety of the pandemic and so he's upset and I'm panic-dumb and I should go make something for dinner or use up the rest of rhubarb or both or put away laundry but instead I'm going to finish and post this, take advantage of my aloneness in the house and cry with abandon while not being in the shower.
We went to the sekrit dog beach this morning, except there was a police car in the parking lot, so we didn't let the dogs off leash to chase each other up and down the beach or chase balls into the ocean. And then we came home and picked up Brat to take her to the vet. We had to euthanize Noisy last week today, taking her to an emergency vet and talking ourselves into remembering that she was a 17yo cat, and the thing we wanted most of all was for her not to die alone (and yes, I'm bawling typing this) and so we held her while they euthanized her, and it was the same emergency vet we had to euthanize Funnyface in and I wish I'd made a different decision with Funnyface and not made her spend the night over at the same hospital but that's hindsight because at the time we had hope, even if it was misplaced hope.
But we took Noisy to the vet, and of course I'm convinced she's going to die too and then we saw the vet that euthanized Princess, and I can't even. And I miscommunicated with Light so he was waiting longer than he wanted to wait, and I don't get to hear from the vet about the results until tomorrow.
And the tire popped on our car sometime over Friday night, so Light borrowed Abundance's car to go to his cousin's wake, and we didn't manage to get it replaced yesterday and we got told that it could be replaced today, but then the place we left it changed their mind and doesn't have tires that work and after Light said polite things and hung up, he then shouted and that was on top of a miscommunication about timing and now he's being snippy at another service place and so yeah, my fear response as per usual, activates quickly and skips the flight part, I want to just go away and I don't even know where, I'm just that panicky in my chest and stomach feeling that makes me want to vomit. And I'm going to almost certainly have to drive either an unfamiliar car or a car driving on a spare from point a to point b, and I think I'm too shaky right now.) (update: Abundance could, so at least I'm going to get some weeping alone in the shower time, but now that I'm all up, I'm worried about the drive over to the tire place, and if Light flips out that Abundance is on the phone while he does so, but I'm not going to ask, because I can't handle negotiating the response, I'll just let them have that discussion with each other.
But I've told my little brother and his wife (whose kids I take care of on Thursdays) that I might not have the car tomorrow, so at least I've already dealt with the initial part of disappointing my sister-in-law, who then maybe won't want me to keep hanging out with them on Thursdays. Teach has been super-supportive of me not talking to my parents, but my parents were over there last week when I couldn't go because of the aforementioned dead cat, and I wouldn't put it past my mom to say weird passive-aggressive things about me to my niblings, so there's that.
All the fucking feelings, and I don't want to be having any of them right now. And that's on top of a lovely layer of feeling guilty about not even being good at being a housewife these days because I'm sad and lost, and a layer of how to talk to Light about my worries about us starting WoW again (we started, it is fun, he plays without me as well, and it's a lot more than I expected and the last time it was because we were both super-depressed and so I was going to talk about it at our date night (tonight)) but if he's already shouty-upset even if it isn't at me, even if he wouldn't shout at me, I'm worried, and so I won't talk to him about that, or about him finally scheduling a date with his girlfriend that he hasn't seen for the entirety of the pandemic and so he's upset and I'm panic-dumb and I should go make something for dinner or use up the rest of rhubarb or both or put away laundry but instead I'm going to finish and post this, take advantage of my aloneness in the house and cry with abandon while not being in the shower.
