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Nov. 1st, 2020 09:47 pmSort of slept in? Definitely slept in by body-clock, though by body-clock I also stayed up like three hours past my bedtime last night. By the fucking daylight savings clock, I got up a little after I usually did. No AM walk before the meeting, but post meeting I tackled a bunch of different foolish-feeling tasks like mastering the tea-shelf, which I followed up by doing the dish-carnage from cooking much of yesterday and tackling the cardboard box pile.
About once a week or so, I break down enough of the cardboard boxes to stuff one paper grocery bag full. We're getting a whole lot of shipments these days, some combination of trying to order many many things online instead of having to go out and get them, and me comfort-buying things on Etsy. But, there's a whole category of boxes I don't break down. I started saving my chewyboxes early endtimes, and now have three floor-to-ceiling pillars of only chewy boxes in our mostly-abandoned front room. Someday, I suspect I'll have to confront the absurdity of them, but for the moment they fill the space that was supposed to be taken up by the armchairs we were going to buy to curl up in front of the fire and so it makes me feel less aware of the whole refusing-to-go-to-a-furniture-store thing I keep trying to work my way through and just running into my anxiety like a brick wall.
So, pillars of chewy boxes take the place of armchairs not for sitting, but for making the room feel less empty and me feel like I'm indulging in a little oasis of absurdity. I've already starting joking about if I'm too nervous to go buy a holiday tree this year, maybe I'll just figure out how to decorate a pillar of boxes.
I didn't cry today, but I came damn close once I realized how dark it was how early and what that meant for my ability to continue visiting spark, since I still believe I'm nightblind. Maybe I should have waited to get my flu shot until the clocks changed so I could feel both kinds of shit simultaneously. And why the fuck is it so hard to say I just can't drive in the dark? Is it an independence thing, an avenue I still want to pretend is open? Is it something I need verified by some sort of governing body before I can lay claim to it? Do I feel like I'm just pretending, that having a hard time seeing in the dark is weakness of will made manifest? I guess it makes a sort of relative sense, I'm still not 100% sure I can lay claim to alcoholism and I let that destroy more than a couple years of my life, why would this even less tangible thing be any different?
The house is wuthering again and Nonsense is sighing loudly to try to get me to turn off all the lights and go to bed, so I guess I'll take her subtle hint.
About once a week or so, I break down enough of the cardboard boxes to stuff one paper grocery bag full. We're getting a whole lot of shipments these days, some combination of trying to order many many things online instead of having to go out and get them, and me comfort-buying things on Etsy. But, there's a whole category of boxes I don't break down. I started saving my chewyboxes early endtimes, and now have three floor-to-ceiling pillars of only chewy boxes in our mostly-abandoned front room. Someday, I suspect I'll have to confront the absurdity of them, but for the moment they fill the space that was supposed to be taken up by the armchairs we were going to buy to curl up in front of the fire and so it makes me feel less aware of the whole refusing-to-go-to-a-furniture-store thing I keep trying to work my way through and just running into my anxiety like a brick wall.
So, pillars of chewy boxes take the place of armchairs not for sitting, but for making the room feel less empty and me feel like I'm indulging in a little oasis of absurdity. I've already starting joking about if I'm too nervous to go buy a holiday tree this year, maybe I'll just figure out how to decorate a pillar of boxes.
I didn't cry today, but I came damn close once I realized how dark it was how early and what that meant for my ability to continue visiting spark, since I still believe I'm nightblind. Maybe I should have waited to get my flu shot until the clocks changed so I could feel both kinds of shit simultaneously. And why the fuck is it so hard to say I just can't drive in the dark? Is it an independence thing, an avenue I still want to pretend is open? Is it something I need verified by some sort of governing body before I can lay claim to it? Do I feel like I'm just pretending, that having a hard time seeing in the dark is weakness of will made manifest? I guess it makes a sort of relative sense, I'm still not 100% sure I can lay claim to alcoholism and I let that destroy more than a couple years of my life, why would this even less tangible thing be any different?
The house is wuthering again and Nonsense is sighing loudly to try to get me to turn off all the lights and go to bed, so I guess I'll take her subtle hint.
