"Whatever you have sheathed"

So weird and hard to write here right now.    I've got a couple guesses of what's going on there, one of them being every single fucking thing is weird and hard right now.

I've become terrified I'm not a puppy person.  I'm tired of being accidentally hurt, I'm apparently unreasonable attached to there not being holes in my couch  and I just want to clean the floor and have it stay clean.  I spent a couple days laid up because my back seized up because when I tried to step over the puppy containment gate, I tweaked my hip and at this point, a day of limping is all it takes to make my lower back decide it's had more than enough of this bullshit. I of course a) got grumpy at the tall people I live with because they can just step over the fucking thing and b) got all sorts of disheartened about being clumsy and fat and short.    But a few mornings ago I started to cry, possibly because I just wanted more peace in the moment than a small thing that pees on the floor allows for.  I think I was overtired, and I've been staying up too late and missing my morning alone time.  And Light's back is also out and Abundance is ridiculously kind about all of it and sometimes that just makes my exasperation feel that much worse.

I occasionally feel bad about reprioritizing my energy to things that give me more or at the very least take less (hopefully)   I still believe it was for my well being, and I think I would have left Primrose more completely if it was truly jumping ship  (and I'm not sure if I think the ship is headed towards another iceberg, or if my increasingly frayed nerves were incompatible with the current climate.)  I think I'll always feel guilty for not being strong enough for anything I ever quit, but maybe that'll be one of those awesome life lessons about being kinder to myself I'll eventually pick up on.

I came up with the best halloween costume idea (or what feels like the best one) and am tempted to buy the makeup needed to make it happen Right Now, even if it'll probably all go stale in a year.   Maybe I could convince myself I'm practicing?

Shocking no one, the freezer delivery was delayed.  I think I might have compensated for my sadness about that by ordering too many cleaning supplies and etsy things.   I decided to abandon a thing I was trying to cross stitch for Spark, start a new project for no one in particular, and then return to the first thing.  She might no longer like yellow submarines by the time I'm done with it, but that is the way of both handmade gifts and toddlers, so it's a risk I'm going to take.  (and I bought sparkle-fabric, Abundance
having pointed out that I was going to spend a lot of time staring at it and sparkles would make me happy) 

It's turning into fall and I am so not okay with that, but it feels like I'm not actually okay with anything anymore, and maybe what's one more thing to not be okay with on top of that?    I don't know how to stay in touch with people anymore, I don't even really remember the who, much less the how.  Or I remember the who, but am too afraid of having nothing to say, bypassing the how and moving into the what.

Eh, any or either way, it's bedtime.