"cause I lied about the vertigo"

Ordered too much stuff online in a fit of sadness and frustration, but it's all cross stitch supplies and cleaning supplies, so it's not exactly breaking the bank.

There are three four in this current dance. Or an endless number, but I'm only focusing on four. My set(light, abundance and myself), Delight's set (Delight, Goodhugs and Spark), our friends (Hands and Hips) and my little brother's set (Mech, Teach and my two niblings). I'm not getting in hugging distance of Delight's set, and won't anytime soon, Delight's high-risk. We've decided to cobubble with Hands and Hips and I can't even begin to talk about the relief it was to hug them and just be in someone else's space (I may have cried into their dogs a tiny bit the first time we went over)

Teach floated the idea of me being able to come help with childcare this fall as they taught from home, but only if I was willing to stop seeing Hands and Hips. I got very excited for a little bit there, before I knew the condition of not seeing Hands and Hips. I would love to see\ my niblings a couple times a week, having a thing to do would probably be very good for me. But, when they decided they weren't comfortable with the risks we were taking by seeing Hands and Hips, I just felt exhausted and empty, I didn't even have the energy to beat myself up over getting excited, even though I know that I'm shit at disappointment. But Hands and Hips are more family than the family I was born into at this point and it wasn't even really a question.

I don't have any cogent analysis of this, just this probably-not-at-all-weird desire to say fuck it and go to my optometrist and get a massage and travel to Baltimore to get a tattoo and go to a store to find a nicely fitted bra to fit my new boobs and go into my favorite bookstore and browse instead of just doing curbside pickup. I won't, but I'm definitely struggling (not struggling not to do these things. just struggling.)