"I pull back the curtains to see"

 Today's card was the two of wands.  More striving, more planning I guess.  I've been pulling the cards ignoring their position, feeling like they probably contain the upright and the reversed meaning, since it's mostly a way to give my brain something to chew on, some new lens to focus this endless fretting through.

All roads lead to Rome, all trains of thought lead to missing Spark and wondering what of her my future will hold and when.   But, as I told Light last night, maybe if what I wanted was more of a child in my life, I should have had one.  (I shouldn't have, even just to adopt, but more importantly, I didn't). 

But eventually I need to make some decisions about what happens next, when there is a next.  Do I find some way to work with children?  I'd love to, I think, though if I do find a way, it's not going to be to replace Spark, but instead because above and beyond everything else that's happened in the past three years, I think I was/am good with her. And I really, really want to do things I'm good at, and things that make me feel like I've brought some sort of value to the world.  There's the Primrose work, which I'm good at when I can force myself to do it, but it's always going to be dealing with defensive people and I suspect it's always going to feel a little bit like dangling over a snakepit.  

Maybe it all just comes back to praise.  Or my need to feel good at something.  Or my hope that if I can't be good (good enough?), I can be good _at_ .