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Jun. 20th, 2020 10:25 pmNever hit post yesterday.
Today's card is the Three of Cups. Coming together for focus on an emotional goal, a celebration, a reunion.
Letting go of seeing Spark anytime soon has felt more like the end of something than it probably should. I do see Spark, and Delight insists that Spark still feels safe and attached to me, even from a six foot distance, and I guess I have to believe that. But letting go of seeing Spark has also brought some space into my life and since I'm really, really lucky, I'm going to fill that space with either a social distant visit with Hands and Hips and puppies, or a less socially distant visit.
So, I suspect if I'm to learn anything from this card, it's about remembering that there are still people out there, and that there are still people out there to celebrate with, even.
I've gotten off my new least favorite carnival ride as well, which was me ping-ponging between an anxiety attack about seeing the dentist and what that might mean for my chances of physically interacting with Spark, and an anxiety attack about not going to the dentist and ending up losing the implant I had to fight so hard to keep and went through so much dental surgery for.
I've been thinking about all the weird ways I keep flashing back to familial trauma, especially in quarantine, and I wonder if this is what it takes to unbury some of this, this unending expanse of little to do.
I realized part of the reason I'm so anxious about noise when Light or Abundance make it during the course of the day is that there was onceuponatime when my father worked from home, and I was responsible for keeping the boys quiet, and it turns out 1st and 4th graders aren't going to be quiet enough ever. And there's also been some stuff with Delight around power, and about being afraid to ask for what I want because sometimes asking means that not only do you not get the thing you want, things you have get taken away. (if you want to go to the library again, you must have too much free time, here's some other thing you don't want to do instead of the thing you asked for) (if you want more time, you're too pushy and they'll need even more time not with you)
today (today proper, not yesterday's today) involved really amazing pie and ice cream from honeycomb creamery, my fun new lamp, installing our pride flag and some appalling behavior on email.
At this point, I just really want a puppy and a bike.
Today's card is the Three of Cups. Coming together for focus on an emotional goal, a celebration, a reunion.
Letting go of seeing Spark anytime soon has felt more like the end of something than it probably should. I do see Spark, and Delight insists that Spark still feels safe and attached to me, even from a six foot distance, and I guess I have to believe that. But letting go of seeing Spark has also brought some space into my life and since I'm really, really lucky, I'm going to fill that space with either a social distant visit with Hands and Hips and puppies, or a less socially distant visit.
So, I suspect if I'm to learn anything from this card, it's about remembering that there are still people out there, and that there are still people out there to celebrate with, even.
I've gotten off my new least favorite carnival ride as well, which was me ping-ponging between an anxiety attack about seeing the dentist and what that might mean for my chances of physically interacting with Spark, and an anxiety attack about not going to the dentist and ending up losing the implant I had to fight so hard to keep and went through so much dental surgery for.
I've been thinking about all the weird ways I keep flashing back to familial trauma, especially in quarantine, and I wonder if this is what it takes to unbury some of this, this unending expanse of little to do.
I realized part of the reason I'm so anxious about noise when Light or Abundance make it during the course of the day is that there was onceuponatime when my father worked from home, and I was responsible for keeping the boys quiet, and it turns out 1st and 4th graders aren't going to be quiet enough ever. And there's also been some stuff with Delight around power, and about being afraid to ask for what I want because sometimes asking means that not only do you not get the thing you want, things you have get taken away. (if you want to go to the library again, you must have too much free time, here's some other thing you don't want to do instead of the thing you asked for) (if you want more time, you're too pushy and they'll need even more time not with you)
today (today proper, not yesterday's today) involved really amazing pie and ice cream from honeycomb creamery, my fun new lamp, installing our pride flag and some appalling behavior on email.
At this point, I just really want a puppy and a bike.
