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"the tablecloth like a talisman"
Jun. 10th, 2020 10:56 pmI really am not sure where or even how to start to unpack if my social anxiety is racist. I mean, I'm kind of the belief that we're all raised racist and different people have unpacked different parts of it, and I know I was raised super-racist and got a bit of a head start on unpacking that by rejecting everything my parents stood for, but it wasn't much of a head start and I've still got a lot of ways to go, and it's a process and not really a destination I'll ever get to.
And even saying that feels weird and vulnerable, like I'm saying the wrong thing or in the wrong way. And I don't think I'm asking for credit or a cookie, I'm just talking about where my brain is.
My computer died. Like an incomprehensible series of bsod with different messages died. it just kept restarting, arriving at a blue screen, restarting, arriving at a subtly different blue screen, etc. So, Light's lent me his computer which is lovely, but of course I made the tactical error of having something important saved on my desktop. (I'm doing a training, which pauses itself if you switch tabs, so the only way to take notes felt like to be doing it in wordpad, when really I probably should have opened another browser to try to take notes.)
I may have said this before, I feel like everything's on a loop now, there's not enough input for me to be having any new thoughts, but scanning back, it's either been a while or it was one of those drafts that never actually made it into posting.
When we got the dog, we ended up getting her a dog walker in large part to socialize her with other dogs. I probably could have taken her to the dog park an adequate amount of time, but she had so few social skills and we wanted her to have a routine outlet to practice in, under professional supervision. I think maybe on the other side of the end times, I'm going to need that too.
I've been filling out applications at various shelters to apply for puppies, and they all want to know what happened to all the animals that are no longer with us, and how old all the animals that are still with us are, and it's kind of freaking me out. I'd maybe forgotten a little bit my fears that I killed all my animals by stressing them out by acquiring other animals.
I made Light an epic all-day cake for his birthday yesterday, dirtying every dish in the kitchen and it was totally worth it. I'd been intending to make the cake pretty much since quarantine started and felt very accomplished for having made it. And it's going to be a very good cake for next year's cake-off. And once a suitable amount of time has passed and we've forgotten exactly how much heavy cream I used, I'll loop back around and try another BA chocolate cake, this one involving both almond flour and almond extract. Or maybe I'll figure out what to do with some of the other unusual things I acquired in one of my "i'm very sad" King Arthur binges.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm managing to find a plateau where things aren't actively getting worse, but that's nowhere near the same as getting better.
And even saying that feels weird and vulnerable, like I'm saying the wrong thing or in the wrong way. And I don't think I'm asking for credit or a cookie, I'm just talking about where my brain is.
My computer died. Like an incomprehensible series of bsod with different messages died. it just kept restarting, arriving at a blue screen, restarting, arriving at a subtly different blue screen, etc. So, Light's lent me his computer which is lovely, but of course I made the tactical error of having something important saved on my desktop. (I'm doing a training, which pauses itself if you switch tabs, so the only way to take notes felt like to be doing it in wordpad, when really I probably should have opened another browser to try to take notes.)
I may have said this before, I feel like everything's on a loop now, there's not enough input for me to be having any new thoughts, but scanning back, it's either been a while or it was one of those drafts that never actually made it into posting.
When we got the dog, we ended up getting her a dog walker in large part to socialize her with other dogs. I probably could have taken her to the dog park an adequate amount of time, but she had so few social skills and we wanted her to have a routine outlet to practice in, under professional supervision. I think maybe on the other side of the end times, I'm going to need that too.
I've been filling out applications at various shelters to apply for puppies, and they all want to know what happened to all the animals that are no longer with us, and how old all the animals that are still with us are, and it's kind of freaking me out. I'd maybe forgotten a little bit my fears that I killed all my animals by stressing them out by acquiring other animals.
I made Light an epic all-day cake for his birthday yesterday, dirtying every dish in the kitchen and it was totally worth it. I'd been intending to make the cake pretty much since quarantine started and felt very accomplished for having made it. And it's going to be a very good cake for next year's cake-off. And once a suitable amount of time has passed and we've forgotten exactly how much heavy cream I used, I'll loop back around and try another BA chocolate cake, this one involving both almond flour and almond extract. Or maybe I'll figure out what to do with some of the other unusual things I acquired in one of my "i'm very sad" King Arthur binges.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm managing to find a plateau where things aren't actively getting worse, but that's nowhere near the same as getting better.
