"what will follow you"

Listened to the Kris Delmhorst online concert last night, not 100% sure what made it feel extra special, but it did.  Well, I know a little bit why.   Her second song was Rules to Games which, while maybe not exactly an uplifting song, makes me feel very fondly towards a certain someone.  And one of her last songs was covering Stewart's Coat, which I don't think I've heard her perform live, or if I did, I was too busy trying not to cry at it to have any long term memory of it.

"just give me many chances"  like that's a thing people just get to ask for?  out loud?  instead of just trying really, really hard to be good enough that what  ever benefit they provide outweighs their inevitable fuckup?  (and by people, I mean me.  and by their, I mean my)
 

Therapy was rough, but maybe that was what I needed. Mostly, I just cried about gasped out things about not being good enough, and running out of the ability to kick cans down the road, and trying to figure out what I was so afraid of.   And why I don't know how to talk about it to anyone.  
 

I went back to facebook today, to respond to someone else's really sweet message, and it had like three useful things to stay to me (well, people had the things to say, and they weren't saying them to me, but they were using the medium of facebook to say them to a wider audience.   And part of things feeling less toxic there is just my relentless muting, but maybe I'm also inching closer to any port in a storm, because at this point, I've somehow managed to develop fear of missing out about the entire internet 
 

I meant to listen to the Rose Polenzani show tonight, but had the entirely wrong time in my head.  which is fine, I suspect passim will have an archive of it, and if not, I suspect there will be other concerts. I've also listened to a lot of music today, where I normally feel like I should be listening to books, and if not books, podcasts or serialbox or something narrative or informative.  
 

I think it's going to be one of those nights where I'm much more interested in online jigsaw puzzles than trying to put things into words.  (oh look, it was)