"sometimes I'm easily fooled"

 I don't like appearing eager.  Which feels untrue when I think it, because I want to be as open in my affections and enthusiasms as possible. But I also don't want to go where I'm not wanted, I don't want to be put in the position of chasing someone for attention. This also doesn't feel true or accurate.  Because sometimes I don't mind, sometimes I like the power play of being the one to call spades spades, sometimes it feels like a way I want to live, power play or no.   And I don't keep careful charts of whose turn it is to reach out, the most I'll do is sometimes archive gchat conversations so I can give myself a little peace or at least a little surcease about wanting to reach out and not being sure how to, or if I should.  

 

Talking to Bespoke the other day, I realized there are a couple people  I just want the ability to say "bid" at and they'll tell me how they're doing, what's occupying their thoughts, what's the best bird they saw today.  (We have a woodpecker who eats from our bird feeder.  At first I didn't think woodpeckers ate from bird feeders, but the bird book informs me that redheaded birds in my area are either woodpeckers or ducks, and so every time I see the woodpecker at the bird feeder, I think duck and make myself smile)  Which isn't to say I want the entire conversation burden to be on these other people, I'm also happy to respond with my own nonsense (example: today I've been thinking about what happens to all these conventions going online's codes of conduct, because it's easy to say that they still apply no matter the format, but I suspect that's some changes will be required), just that I don't always feel like I'm witty enough to bait the hook adequately.   And yet I still want to reach out, or at least let someone know that I'm thinking about them, though that might be mostly projection, because it pleases me a lot to be told someone was thinking about me.  

 

But I am also terrified, still, of everyone but me knowing something, of being laughed at behind my back or to my face, of caring too much or for the wrong person, of being a bother, of not taking a hint.  Is it something about dignity, or pride?  is it just the ever-shifting tides of my self-esteem?

Tomorrow I will post about March's books and food, i will take a walk, I will continue to look for a podcast to get hooked on, I'll finish the gut-wrenching book I'm currently reading (Things We Didn't Talk About When I Was a Girl), maybe I'll even managed to write a letter.