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"Illuminating realization number one"
Mar. 17th, 2020 09:24 pmI'm trying to unearth all the scraps of writing I've put into my drafts folder. This is usually a bunch of half-formed journal entries about things I can't quite get the right tone for, too much self-pity, not enough self-awareness, words that don't quite reflect the person I want to be, even if they're accurately reflecting the person I am. Sometimes, I'll just post them to dw locked, to get them out of my way, but mostly they just sit there and taunt me about not having the right words.
And things I still want to try to learn (detach from outcome, omnia, detach. you don't want to learn how to, you want to try)
I have a stretch goal to, something I haven't committed to but keep toying with. But often, when I think of it, I realize that to accomplish it I'd have to start seeing something like two aquariums a year to really accomplish before I either die or become incapable of comfortable travel. It feels a little bit like lying to myself, a little bit unrealistic and I don't know why I put such excessive stock in realism, but I do. And I try to limit those kind of lies to the nasty things I say to myself about myself.
But I kind of want to try to see an aquarium in every state. And I know I've seen one in MA, CT, CA, IL and MN. We might have seen one in HI, and I'm like 60% certain there was once a drunken outing to NJ when I was at college. I was kind of hoping to get to the georgia aquarium this year in late spring/early summer because if all goes well, they'll have a beluga calf but I suspect that's probably not in the cards anymore. And I have a tattoo appointment scheduled for late april in Baltimore, and was hoping to hit their aquarium then, but I suspect that's going to be rescheduled for some time later in the year.
Yesterday, I stayed up way later than I intended to finishing another steam game (this one Submerged) which was beautiful and also continued to chip away at my assertion that I'm just straight up bad at maps in games. I'm not great, but maybe it's just a skill need to practice if I want to have it.
One of them is a list of things left over from when I tried 101 things in 1001 days. Which actually kind of worked as an experiment, it definitely got me out in the world and more comfortable with Somerville at a point I needed to do that. And I don't think I'll do it again, I know I need to push myself to experience more failure, push myself to find ways to exercise my risk-and-rejection tolerance, but I'm not sure it's the right tool anymore. But there are still things I want to try to do
It seems obnoxious to think about it now, both in the point-in-my-life and in the current pandemic, but I really do wish I traveled more. I'm bad at motivating travel, it's hard to spend that kind of money on myself, my anxieties have started to work themselves out into more easily contained riverbeds (henceforth nefast) but I still don't travel. Light doesn't really have the stomach for it (literally), Abundance doesn't have the resources and it's never been something Delight and I have tried to do, past our semi-successful trip to their city.
But there are places I want to go before they go away, the great barrier reef and venice. I want to travel internationally, all by myself, probably to Finland to visit Skin and Grin but also just to go someplace entirely not-here all by myself. I want to go to the Smithsonian, I want to go to Vancouver.
It seems obnoxious to think about it now, both in the point-in-my-life and in the current pandemic, but I really do wish I traveled more. I'm bad at motivating travel, it's hard to spend that kind of money on myself, my anxieties have started to work themselves out into more easily contained riverbeds (henceforth nefast) but I still don't travel. Light doesn't really have the stomach for it (literally), Abundance doesn't have the resources and it's never been something Delight and I have tried to do, past our semi-successful trip to their city.
But there are places I want to go before they go away, the great barrier reef and venice. I want to travel internationally, all by myself, probably to Finland to visit Skin and Grin but also just to go someplace entirely not-here all by myself. I want to go to the Smithsonian, I want to go to Vancouver.
And things I still want to try to learn (detach from outcome, omnia, detach. you don't want to learn how to, you want to try)
I want to learn how to sail, to stand up paddleboard, to speak a live language, to learn ASL, to weave, to make jam, to make pasta from scratch, to bake bread, drive stick I want to take a class at NBSS, take a martial arts class, decoupage something, study tarot/witchcraft with an eye towards social justice and subverting dominant paradigms.
I have a stretch goal to, something I haven't committed to but keep toying with. But often, when I think of it, I realize that to accomplish it I'd have to start seeing something like two aquariums a year to really accomplish before I either die or become incapable of comfortable travel. It feels a little bit like lying to myself, a little bit unrealistic and I don't know why I put such excessive stock in realism, but I do. And I try to limit those kind of lies to the nasty things I say to myself about myself.
But I kind of want to try to see an aquarium in every state. And I know I've seen one in MA, CT, CA, IL and MN. We might have seen one in HI, and I'm like 60% certain there was once a drunken outing to NJ when I was at college. I was kind of hoping to get to the georgia aquarium this year in late spring/early summer because if all goes well, they'll have a beluga calf but I suspect that's probably not in the cards anymore. And I have a tattoo appointment scheduled for late april in Baltimore, and was hoping to hit their aquarium then, but I suspect that's going to be rescheduled for some time later in the year.
