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 Does it count as breaking a streak if if I compose but forget to hit post, even if it was just going to be a token entry?  I'll pretend it does.

Agitated as fuck today, not 100% certain why, but there was a lot of crying and then not taking a clonidine because I needed to be able to drive Spark around.  And I still have a Primrose meeting to get through and a witchcamp conference call to get through.  I may have overdone in on the crying and feeling feisty and underdone it on the getting meaningful things done.

 

Still didn't buy tickets to poetry brothel.  Feeling very much like also ignoring valentines day, lumping it in with my birthday as just uncelebratable this year.   

 

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Therapy got canceled today, my therapist broke her toe and had to go to the orthopedist.  That sort of threw me off my stride, haven't left the house today except to drive Light to Wellington, made some phone calls I'd been putting off, scheduled a haircut and a vet appointment and ordered an absentee ballot.

Going under the knife always feels super-dramatic but also like an accurate description of what's going to happen.  Someone's going to cut into me, someone's going to fuck up my tattoos, if I'm lucky, someone's going to fix this.   A specific someone, who is a lovely surgeon who respects that this is hard, that these tattoos are important to me, that the size is important to me.  

And it's a different kind of bad, this time.  I know what's going to happen, sort of, and an implant swap and some revision isn't going to be bad as a full mastectomy.    But I also know what's going to happen, and it hurt a lot the first time, I lost a lot of time, I cried a lot of tears, I revised my entire wardrobe.  And it was just me and Light, and we didn't have 52 pounds of Nonsense dog, I didn't have a Spark in my life that I'm going to miss so dreadfully.  And I didn't know what surgical drains were like.    Going to do this.  Going to find out what's on the other side of this.   Doesn't mean I have to look forward to it or like it.