"The story itself, or the space between"

 I think I have some of my definitions wrong.  I mean, I know I do, I've got a fucked up internal narrative, and I gloss everything that isn't flawless as bad.  And it turns out I'm a deeply flawed human being.  

 

But I spent most of  today on the couch, alternating watching a stupid television show because it has Jenna Dewan and just sort staring into space wallowing.  There's 47 things I should be doing, none of which I am because this morning Delight said something about their open house and I managed to keep it together for a while, but then ended up crying in the walgreens parking lot around the corner from Spark's daycare after I dropped them off. 

 

I want to be unflappable.  Or I want to appear unflappable.  I'm not 100% why this is a thing I want, maybe it's something I admire in other people, maybe I want to have this pushpull of showing all my cards but playing them close to my chest, maybe it feels like if I can handle anything, I won't have to call upon the ability quite so often?   I want to roll with punches, I want to be good at taking punches.  Not literally, that's a whole different story.     there's a tshirt out there I haven't bought with the saying "every day is a battle, but whatever, I'm scrappy".  I'd like to be scrappy.

 

I've always wanted my pain and my need to be dismissable, I think because if I show it to be dismissable, then I can beat myself up when I care that other people dismiss it.   And maybe they're not even doing that, I don't even know what not dismissing it would look like. And there's the asshole internal monologue that thinks I just don't want to be responsible for anything and that's why I want to not be the one to take care of things, or to figure out the next step.

 

Maybe tomorrow I'll make all the phone calls, put all the laundry away, tomorrow I'll be the crone I want to see in the world. Tomorrow I'll be bemused and chill and captain of my own destiny.   Or at least I'll read a bunch and go to a folk show I'm looking forward to.