"in such a state with so far still to go"

I found a new person to manage my medication.  She's a Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner, and my intake was nowhere near as bad as I expected.  I took several deep breaths and actually told her many true things, ones I have barely been admitting to myself and my therapist, and pretty much not admitting to anyone else.    They made appreciative/sympathetic noises at the right points and administered in the genomind cheek swab test.

 

And now I know that I'm not especially reactive to SSRIs or most drugs in the opioid class, which explains so much about the past twenty-five years. So there's that. I guess it's good to know before my next round of surgery, at least.

 

I'm a little shook and a little angry and a little curious and a very, very little hopeful.   And now we're cross-taper (i start tomorrow) so it'll be somewhere between three days and six weeks of agony, but there's an outside chance it'll be worth it. and sometimes just the placebo of taking action helps. 

 

And if that doesn't work, we're going to move onto antipsychotics, which isn't as big a deal as it sounds like, but is also still a little alarming.    



I was called on to ride the fences of my boundaries a couple times today and shore up some weak places, somewhat unexpectedly.  I think I managed to use my calm words and measured tone of voice, and on the one hand, I'm getting better at pushing back and I'm getting less apologetic about my requests for my own comfort, but it still left me a little agitated.  However,  I think I've finally watched enough foolish but soothing youtube videos to go to bed and intend to do so now.  Hopefully, Abundance and Nonsense will wake me up when they come in tonight.