"Just to alleviate a few things"

 I get crankier later a tonight, but I ate my dinner too late (fuckyougrubhub) and now I'm stuck staying up until I feel relatively certain that lying down won't bring about my immediate doom.

 

Got to bring Spark home to see our Nonsense again, I really want to do that more often so the two of them can get used to each other.  In cat news, Brat was skeptical but let Spark pet her multiple times (I suspect up to a certain point, Brat thinks all attention is good attention).

 

It was a rough day, things that probably would have been better not piled on top of each getting piled on top of each other, and I am all up in my feels when I probably need to be patient and see how things play out, but I'm so scared of being the patient, unfussy person who gets fucked over because the unpatient fussy people are louder and more in someone's face.  And I know that implies scarcity where maybe scarcity doesn't actual exist (except for that fucking thing where time happens), but also I want to know how to ask someone to be patient with me.   I'm getting increasingly better at owning my shit, but if not help then sometimes I need room.

 

Vague handwavy sadness, and the sensation of something barreling down the tracks at me.  not a light at the end of the tunnel, all my trains run dark, but I can feel the vibrations.   And I can collapse things down into certainties, but they're not certaintiesthat will make me happier, or make me more me, they'll just move from potential into fact, which is its own cold comfort.

 

Made it through a week of three doctor's appointments, which sort of progressed through the range of first neutral, then annoying and finally culminating in straight up bad.  I can't talk about it yet, I spent a bunch of time screamcrying in the parking lot of the local stop'n'shop because I wasn't sure if I had a correct outlet for my emotions that wasn't going to make me feel like I had to manage anything or anyone.  

 

Nonsense has proven that left to her own devices, she will dig like crazy in the back yard, especially up along the porch where she has seen bunnies go in.    I've decide this means it's time to visit a bunch of beaches off season and abscond with interesting-to-me stones.  Thinking of this has reminded me how much I miss going to the beach at night and wondering if there are ways to recreate that wrapped in the universe like it was a friendly blanket feeling.   And part of it is the cocoon, and sometimes I want to be cocooned with people, some old and some new, and sometimes I want to be cocooned by myself, and sometimes I want to find that weird inbetween space where you get to be in parallel tracks, but not overlapping.   Which sounds like I'm buying the mystical bullshit about perfect relationships meaning you can be quiet together (it's certainly important and necessary, but so are a lot of other things that seem a lot less often mentioned in romance novels).

 

This weekend - dogwalker comes to learn the new house, we go, uncostumed, to hands and hips's halloween concert.  Sunday, a conB meeting and then off to Salem to hopefully play some board games.    I've been slacking on getting my calendar up to date and up to speed, and some of that is the new and different kind of intrinsic unplannability that is Spark's life, but some of it is me being lazy about coping with that.    So maybe off to do that in hopes that my stomach is almost settled enough to let me sleep.
 

I've been steering away from Ani quotes for a while now, mildly uncomfortable with her rhetoric about wombs and babies, but I really want a song lyric alluding the word teetering tonight

"I close up tightly each little lid"

 I've posted a couple things that I want to be different in the new house.  And sure, most of them are about me and my habits and taking advantage of an everything-in-upheaval state.

 

The most I've ever exercise was the insomnia summer in college..  Worked two jobs, lived in a shitty apartment and on days when I had the time in the evening, the pool was open and I would just go swim until it was hard to remember how all my limbs worked.  I'd slog home, slowly, get a couple hours of sleep and then wake up and watch the trucks roll past on the front porch while drinking.

 

I wasn't a good swimmer, but at that point it didn't matter, I just needed to be tired enough to shut up the voices in my head.  I'm pretty sure this was the summer after the winter break when I tried to commit suicide, so it was probably still around peak crazy.  (I'm really trying to weed the word crazy out of my vocabulary, but to self-label crazy feels good, like reclaiming.) 

 

All of this is a deep digression from the original thought which is next year, if I can figure out how, I want to bike to someplace I can do laps and bike home.  Hopefully, the streets of Medford will be less terror-inducing, even if there's no bike lanes.  This will of course require acquiring a bike and figuring out either how to be less vain about my hair or continue to chase the unicorn of a product that will make my hair not fry in chlorine (I suspect the first to be significantly easier than the second) .  

 

I think I've re-found my chill a little bit.  Not very much of it, but enough that I can try to fake the rest.  Sometimes I think the only way to value something is to fight for it, but maybe I can work towards it without fighting, maybe dodge sometimes, or some other sports metaphor about knowing when to be still.  

 

So, the sign told me it was turmeric pan de miel (I think) and the counter person told me it was turmeric brioche, but I got a loaf of the bread of the day at Forge and I want to go run out to the shed and consume the entire thing, cackling wildly.

 

Abundance is going to try to get me to start playing D&D with him running it and I discovered that I can have a pact with an ancient hag and that made me like twice as excited to play and I was already pretty excited.  

 

I've already made one date for someone to come to Honeycomb Creamery with me but am looking for more, because all of their fall flavors sound amazing and maybe they'll have instore news about when they start taking orders for the feast day pies.  (if not, I'll order seasonal flavor cakes, but I'm hoping for another year of the pies).  and it feels a little bit like a week dodge to title it a feast day, but it's feels like it's something I want to hold onto, some invocation of plenty.   This one could be just us and J&S, or we might find additional people to join us.  It's one of those holidays (they all are) that leaves me having all the feels about poly distribution of time and families-of-origin vs families-of-choice and genetic ties and all that good stuff.  That said, let me know if you're looking for way too much vegetarian food and board games around the end of november. 

 

Ignoring conA stuff before this party, am finding myself mildly resentful, having offered to be a deputy for someone at the actual convention and receiving neither an acceptance or a rejection yet.   And it's a big thing I care about a lot, and care about seeing done right a lot, not in the least because it will make the rest of the thing I've signed up to do for the corporation much harder.  And I don't think I deserve the position or anything like that, I think I just want to feel like there's a plan?  Oh gods, I'm one of those people now.   It existed before me, it'll exist after me, I'll do my best.

 

Upcoming week:  tomorrow, conB, Salem.  Hopefully before that some conA work.  

Monday - Take This slack refresher for my shifts at Pax Unplugged

Tuesday - Therapy, then TNLR

Wednesday - conA meeting

Thursday - conA meeting

Friday - Lindy west reading

Saturday - Drive to Baltimore

Sunday - get a tattoo