"When we gonna wake in honey?"

 *written yesterday*

On the one hand, therapy was awful today.  Not awful as in it was bad therapy, we just got to talk about my conviction I'm a failure, and how I can still be a useful failure but that doesn't make me any less a failure.  So we talked about why I don't let any mail from my alma mater in the house, and what I think success would be.  And it's hard to talk about, because I don't think I'm special and I don't want to get woe-is-me, but I'm convinced/worried that anything good that could come out of me, any energy I could have used I spend in other places being that high-functioning whatever I am.

 

On the other hand, for the first time in many, many months I'm actually looking at websites to see if there are shows and authors I want to go see.  I might not go see them, but the next two Be The Change events at PSB are super-intriguing, and Emma Donoghue's coming to HBS as well as Megan Twohey and Jodi Kantor. We've got tickets to two Peter Mulvey shows and a JBE show.  So maybe there are parts of the world I want to be back out in.

"Let me be a rank beginner"

 Today I learned about chofas from a design book.  Chaise-sofa, the portmanteau the world never needed.

 

Today involved getting up feeling weirdly well-rested.  I suspect it's because I stayed up watching youtube videos late enough that my brain didn't need to do the 3am wake up and wander around the house and eat something that I do most nights.   But that also means I only got five hours of sleep and I have the dark circles under my eyes to prove it.   Though I'm pretty sure that's the culmination of a whole lot of not being able to fall very deeply asleep.  There's a meme out there about how to disguise your dark under eye circles with glitter, and it's just someone painting giant swaths of glitter under their eyes and I kind of want to do that.   Someday, omnia, someday.

 

I put many things in boxes, there's still more but I'm not yet at the point where I'm going to just randomly start throwing things away, the boxes still have at the very least themes. The list of things we'll need to buy for the new house grows by the day, but I suspect I'll counsel holding off on almost all of them until after we sell this house.

 

The dog is curled up in my lap, grumbling when I try to rest the computer on her back, so I'm in this deeply uncomfortable twisty position in order to type and accommodate her need to be on top of a human.  I'm going to try to take her to the dog park tomorrow, 

 

We went to Lowes to look at shelving, and I ended up once again looking at a deep freezer.  And the new fridge will be better, it'll be side-by-side with shelves, rather than the freezer on the bottom with two bins that we currently have.  And I have some sort of ancestral memory of a deep freezer just being a thing people have.  And maybe it's not really a thing vegetarians need, maybe it's best suited for freezing pieces of meat, I've never really mastered the art of cooking food to put in the freezer to take back out, thaw and eat, but I'm sure some combination of the internet and Delight could teach me.

 

We had a temple date, hanging out at B&N, drinking peppermint tea and browsing new books, and it's the time of year all the 16 month planners come out, and I'm so tempted by so many of them, there's something so hopeful about blank planners, about having all that potential organization harnessed into a single book.  (and they even had one labeled Hidden Agendas)  And I've been outside of academia for half of my life now, but there's still something that tugs at my heartstrings about Septembers that apparently manifests in the desire to buy academic planners and flannel shirts.