What legs are left will take me home

 report from conB.  Flying pretty high at the end, but the feedback panel/end of con crashed me kind of hard and I went into a downward spiral of Merge Dragons and social anxiety.

 

There will always be people who dislike me. There will always be people who have a limited or biased dataset about me.   I do not need to worry about them, I do not need to convince them of the purity of my intentions or agenda, I don't need to try to find some way to make them like me, I don't need to throw myself or anyone else under any buses to gain their approval.  

 

I discredit my own anxiety as nothing particularly useful to pay attention to. but today I actually managed to notice the onset of the disaster-feels.  I didn't manage to avoid them, but I could at least cling to a little bit of the idea that it wasn't real dread, nothing was ruined and even if it was, a lot of other things have gotten ruined or been ruined by me and I've still pressed on.  

 

I finally applied all my stickers to my laptop and it feels much better.  I think I probably should have gotten the sticker "be scared and do it anyway" in a smaller format so it could be where I can see it when the compute is open, and I still might do that, it's more a personal exhortation than any of the warnings/self-chosen labels/etc that face outward.  I'm also pretty pleased that I tracked down an etsy seller who makes Night in the Woods stickers and now I have a sticker of the Sky Cat with the quote "you are not chosen, there is nothing to choose you"

 

The house thing is fucking me up.   It's the right decision, it's a great decision, I'm exceptionally excited.  And apparently it's going to send me into an absolutely spiral about money.   And we're going to have to put on solar panels before we remodel the attic, so that's going to be years out, which is fine but also pout-inspiring.   Really, I'd take the house as it is this very moment and make it work.   But if I'm lucky, tomorrow I get to show it to Delight, who is the smartest person I know in many, many ways and their ability to think about space and color is one of those many ways.