(no subject)

 I have become a person who is bad at email.  and communication in general.  I've been bad in spots in the past, slipping into that delightful cycle of not having responded to someone making me feel like ass so I continue not to say anything until too much time has passed and I have to change my name and move because that's the only way out of the corner I've backed myself into.

 

Or something like that, at least. 

 

I know I want to reach out to people.  I know I want to go to other people's places and meet their pets and be in their spaces and watch movies and play games and eat food and talk.   But I also like my house and my pets and my quiet and my reading.   And I know I forget how to talk all the time.

 

Things I wish I knew how to talk about: elder care, being asked questions, narratives and metanarratives, dressing up, what I want to project at conA corp meetings, my sweet, sweet dog.  

 

Sometimes I feel like a bad facsimile of a person. Not necessarily morally bad, just some loss of fidelity between the original model and what I turned out to be.   And I get that this can be an outcropping of any number of things that got me here, constant vigilence means never trusting your initial reaction, etc.   But it's still a weird feeling when I grope for an internal response and find nothing.  Ah, maudlin omnia, here you go again.