"A brand new mind but an old design"

 So...I avoided dw for a handful of days and as usual, it's superhard to get back on the horse.  But get on it I will.

 

There's a thing I want to say on conA's corp list that I haven't quite figured out the best way to say, and so am probably not going to say it, because I think it ends me up on the wrong side of the issue.  (which I know, is a reason to examine my stance, if I'm on the wrong side it kind of doesn't matter how I got there). 

 

I actually kind of loved the relaxacon.  It was the most comfortable I've ever been being antisocial in a social setting. (am I an introvert? a surly extrovert? someone who wants to be around their people but not want to have to interact unless called upon to do so?)  And the ocean was a big part of that, because the ocean can be very good for my anxiety, and the hotel had that smell that's halfway between salty and musty that cuts me off at the knees.  There were so many things I didn't like about the beach house (including the fact the walls were full of allergens), but thinking about the mist and sitting in the rocking chairs on the porch and that smell makes me something like nostalgic for the good parts. Fuck do I want a shady porch and a rocking chair big enough to curl up in.  

 

But, back to relaxacon, I only had to be outdoors when I wanted to, I only had to talk to people when I wanted to, but there were people to play games with, and I was really glad Light got to break out some of his mammoth games.   There was a whistling tea kettle in the room.  I got some very nice snuggles.  (I was reading an old notebook that began with the sentence 'devastating crush continues to be devastating.'  I'm glad that I'm not there anymore, that my crushes are sort of soft-edged and both without telos and without timetable.)

 

In addition to folx, I'm struggling with the word polycule, where it starts and where it ends, and how to differentiate.   Delight isn't part of the polycule that went to this outing, I'm not part of their weekend brunch polycule, but we are parts of each others polycule.  And I know amorphous words are supposed to be amorphous but still, I want my language inclusive and as always, I want to be included. 

 

I need to set up some sort of priority list or rotating schedule for myself.  This weekend is spoken for, but I want to try to go to a dog show with Hips, I want to go see Mech and his family, I want to visit my favorite uncle, I want to see E, I want to take Nonsense back to Cat Rock, I want to stand ankle deep in the ocean more often.  (And I want to sweep the driveway and the steps, and put in some serious time with Queering the Tarot, and find some more summer-appropriate crock-pot recipes. and starting helping with training the dog.  or I want to merge all the dragons, continue my career as an interplanetary costume and book thief in Starbound.)

 

Some days I do well, some days I do a little good, all the days I have no idea what the hell I'm doing.  (Today, I just really want to hear from the vet that Noisy underwent her dental surgery without a hitch.)  But I want to post this before I go down either of those particular hole and before Spark wakes, so I'm going to hit post.  

 

Tomorrow: the summary of May.