"Crashing down the mirrored stairways"

 Just because I have a ticket for the oncoming train doesn't mean I'll be able to get off the tracks in time. I know I freeze, I know I forget to act like I belong. I know i have too many prey instincts even when I'm supposed to act like a predator. Or someone who confidently inhabits the middle of the food chain, neither apex predator nor primary producer, but something in between. (primary producer is such a disappointing opposite for apex predator). 

 

At one of the kink conventions Abundance and I used to go to, there was a woman who did a class on grounding and shielding.  They were strangely compelling and when they asked us all to imagine shielding ourselves, afterwards they went around the room and talked about what they'd read in our shields.  And they were pretty accurate.   My shield was basically hide under a blanket the same color as the floor and the walls and stay Very Still and I think she said something about my shield being beige and absence.

 

I'm worried about what I don't remember and even more worried about the things I don't know I don't remember.  I worry about books I think I should have a memory of reading remember reading and people I haven't entirely forgotten yet.

 

Everything feels just a little out of reach at the moment.

 

i want to have a better handle on so many things that i don't' have much of a handle at all on.  It's possible I don't even have a handle on which things I don't have a handle on.  

 

I want my etsy favorites to reflect my tastes.   I want my TBR list to be either less than a thousand books or I want to incorporate all those bookriot emails into the list.  I want my bookmarks to not be this giant unsorted tangle. I want to actually cook through all my spices, interact with all the tarot decks I've collected.

 

(this was a fragment I found in my drafts folder, no less true but possibly a repost)

 

I keep coming back to this idea of being an omnia who collects things. I think it's about wanting more intentional things in my life, but it's also a little bit like the thrill of the hunt, the feeling in a disorganized bookstore when you might find treasure around any corner (why yes, I superimprinted on Diane Duane's So You Want To Be a Wizard series as a kid).  Do I collect things now?  Sort of?  I have a shelf of introduction latin textbooks, a set of quint buchholz postcards,  scads of free bookmarks and a serious problem about tarot and oracle decks on crowdfunding websites.  Only with that last one do I have any sort of discernment, the rest are just low cost serendipity type things.

 

Also, I just discovered the Watson Twins covered Just Like Heaven.  And there's a captain awkward meetup this weekend.