"a coupon for a cup of peace"

 I would really like to be reading more contemporary poetry and listening to more women rappers.  I've recently gotten mildly fixated on Blimes Brixton's Snakeskin Boots (by way of Snow tha Product's Say Bitch video).  And every couple years I suddenly realize I haven't listened to any new music other than new albums by artists I already love.  

 

At some point in the past my email inbox became untenable. .I used to pride myself on at least skimming most of the mail that came and now I've completely given up.  MY inbox used to live in the 100-150 range and now it doesn't.  (those aren't things to take action on, necessarily.  I think the idea of communication tires me, and I have an email to write that I don't want to.   I have the best intentions, i bring my computer out every time Spark goes to sleep, but I always end up staring at it vacantly and napping.

 

I didn't make the con A meeting tonight, couples was extra devastating (not about the relationship we're ostensibly in couples for, but one of those times when a therapist says something that just eviscerates me regardless of context.)  So leftover pizza, TV and some cat snuggles.   And sore eyes (seriously, why do I cry caustic tears?)

 

I've been unable to go particularly deep for a couple days now, trying to write something, anything and I just get tripped up, not wanting to share the things coming out of my fingertips, not ready and I feel like I'm bleeding the wrong way onto the screen, the wrong way or not enough or too much.  

 

Thing I've been thinking about all evening - play, and how I engage (or don't) with play.  I don't play enough, not in the sense of I should be merging more dragons, but in the sense that there's a lack of situations in which I feel comfortable exhibiting a lack of care.  Light and I have stopped playing our MMO, and I only occasionally play board games with anyone, and I play with Spark, but a lot of it is me trying to figure out the right balance of unsupervised play and engagement, and it's not exactly play for me much of the time.   What is grown-up play and where and how does it happen? Is it unrestrained laughter or complete lack of selfconsciousness? (I did manage to fall off a chair laughing the other weekend baiting Light into his rant about there's only one shade of white in front of witnesses who were more than happy to troll him)   

 

What is fun and am I having it?

 

I was going to title this "i want you because you're funny and kind" but then I remembered it's from the nields song that I get so grrr at, since easyness isn't exactly a trait that's ever been mine, and sometimes I think all (or almost all) easiness is just someone else making the effort instead of the speaker.  The quote itself stands, I do want people both funny and kind, but I'm not comfortable with the rest of it.