"I'm so glad you came"

 My computer charger opted to stop working, so I'm trying to learn how to type on Light's computer, which has a much larger keyboard, which feels a little bit like having forgotten how to type.

 

I've been dropping things, too.  I'm slipping into the frustrating spiral where I drop something, get flustered, drop something else.  Nothing catastrophically broken, but I got inkstains all over my limited edition bitch media "outsmart the patriarchy" tshirt, I lost the return label for the eshakti dresses that didn't pan out.

 

A couple weeks ago, our dogwalker accidentally didn't put her car in park when she got out of it, and it slid down our driveway, shattering our fence. Which means that now our driveway has an unimpeded view of the steep slope down into the green line construction, which I find paralytically terrifying.  So,Light takes the car out of the driveway in the mornings when I need it and parks it on the road and I feel like an unspeakable coward. 

 

I'm feeling extra awkward, not quite sure how to start conversations or even continue them, trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be reading into even the shortest of sentences. Every action, every interaction seems to be uphill, underwater.  

 

There's a Latest Kate that says "just because you're feeling gross about your body doesn't mean your body is gross" but I'm trying to weed my wardrobe and it's hard not only because it means I have to confront the ways my body has changed in ways I don't feel good about, but also having to really dig down and sit with the idea that there are a couple different possible futures and they'll probably call for entirely different wardrobes and how am I going to reinvent myself? 

 

On the one hand, I've only really worked for the hospital and the beast in the past two decades, I've been married to the same man for 13 years, I've lived in three places in fifteen years.  (Prior to Light, I moved almost every year, I'd never dated anyone for longer than a year, I was a meat-eating, diet coke drinking, smoking drunk, most of the things I ate came from Wendy's or were eaten directly from the can.)

 

One the other hand, Something about the past ten years feels a little bit like being buffeted about (April of 2009 will be the ten year anniversary of me and my ovaries parting ways), and so I've had bits of me removed and lopped off, I've become actively poly rather than just grey non-monogamous (it wasn't exactly unethical, but ethical is a little bit of a higher road than I'm comfortable ascribing to omnia in her twenties). 

 

So maybe having shored up the foundations, I'm more likely to be able to accept whatever comes next (or *gasp* even try to shape or choose it).  Maybe I've gotten out of the habit of change (dw username notwithstanding) and I'm going to have a harder and harder and harder time learning new things or figuring out where to put my feet.  or where to put my hands. 

 

Also, I really want a lookhuman shirt that says "I am small and sensitive but also fight me." and has a picture of a cat with a shiv.  If it didn't feel a little bit like an unfunny fat joke I would already own one.

 

Also also I am up so far past my bedtime and this entry is all over the place.