"And all of the wanting, and all of your plans"

 Well, I've been 43 for a week and a few days and I still haven't figured out what I'm going to do with my life.  Shocking, I know.  I thought I hadn't succumbed to concrud, my immune system bolstered by my tendency to avoid crowds, but breathing through my face is a bit of a challenge at the moment.

 

We're talking about buying my little brother's house out in Medford.  It has a lot of things that we want (fenced in backyard, one car garage two car driveway, three bedrooms, mostly-finished basement, finishable attic, gas fireplace, a more open floor plan that allows for someone to be in the kitchen and not be exiled, very close to the fells) and a couple things we'd prefer to avoid (a non-ideal commute for Light, not closer to Delight, smaller bedrooms).    Mech and Teach want to get out of Medford before their kids hit the school system and our household is delightfully unbounded by that consideration. 

 

And it's even harder to get three people on board with a house than it is to get three people on board for a dog, and I'm still working on just taking my partners at face value, rather than trying to figure out what everyone's not saying either because they haven't figured it out, think it can't change, don't want to hurt my feelings or some other motivation I have yet to ferret out that will come back to bite me in the end (because everytning I'm not smart enough or fast enough or chill enough to find out will come bite me in the end) (in a distinctly unfun way). 

 

But I just want to flee the Green Line construction, and whilte I'm pretty sure we're not going to get what we want in Somerville and I'll miss being here,  just having new and different storage problems feels like a win.    But I also don't want to take our dog out of the area her dogwalkers work in and I like being in a bus and lyft heavy area and and...

 

Someone posted a comic to a slack channel about being at a con and being enthusiastically greeted by random people you can't identify but enthusiastically greet back and at first, I felt like I was somehow failing because that's not my con experience, then I wondered how much enthusiasm for a relative stranger I could pull off, and then I tried to think about what I actually wanted and my brain sort of stuttered to a stop. I don't know what I want here, but I have this impulse/impetus to become involved and maybe Light is right and one feels like one belongs by assuming one belongs, but that feels like such a heavy lift for such an uncertain outcome.

 

I'm tempted to make some sweeping statements about 2019,this will be the year we move, this will be the year I finally broker some sort of peace between my body and my brain, this will be the year I'll have people come to my house and I will make food for them, this will be the year I figure out what my comfort zone is, and then intentionally inhabit it and intentionally step outside of it.  You know,little things.