"It’s a blood test"

 Decided I couldn't handle year-end memes and stepped away from dw/lj/fb for a bit.  I feel like my performance in 2018 was sort of sub-par.  Tempted to share the letter grades I gave myself on effort and execution but it looked too self-pitying when I typed it out. 

 

Shifted my "things I read in 2018" list into my "every book I remember reading" list and that was pretty satisfying.   I continue to dither on whether or not graphic novels count so I read somewhere between 170 and 180 books in 2018.   I graded them on a 1-10 scale and ended up with 

 

7 3's (barely redeemable, the author is almost certainly never going to show up on my TBR list but something about them made it worth finishing)

15 4's (low side of meh, sometimes a good book with a deeply problematic bit)

39 5's  (solidly middle of the road, wouldn't recommend. I often gave this rating to books that could have been good if the characters were better, or there was more resolution, or if the horror was actually scary)

11 6's (now we're getting somewhere more interesting)

13 7's (pretty good)

37 8's (full of authors that almost never steer me wrong, books so in my wheelhouse that it's like the cover-blub is made out of catnip)

17 9's  So good I'll probably try to get you to read it if you stand still long enough

31 10's.   I probably didn't sleep or eat while reading these.  

 

I feel pretty good about this year, I abandoned more books that didn't suit and tried to draw more distinctions between the books I want to read and the books I want to be someone who reads.

 

Made chocolate ricotta muffins that turned out to be delicious little hockey pucks.

 

Got a new food processor from my parents and I haven't used it yet but sometimes when I go into the kitchen I pet it because it's so shiny.

 

Abundance lhas left for NC with Nonsense to visit his parents.  Light just got back from visiting his parents and is super-sick and quarantined upstairs.  

 

I got to see Delight and Goodhugs at the PSB sale, where I spent a ridiculous amount of money with much glee.

 

Feeling a little bereft at the moment, but not entirely sure about what.  Want to reach out and hermit in equal measures, which makes both desires feel unsatisfiable. Abundance and I talked for a while this week about celebrations and my allergic reaction.  I feel like I've backslid, but considiering the year it might just be that I have a low-on-cope and a relatively cope-ful set of reactions and I'm accessing the low-on-cope version.

 

Thanksgiving was amazing and full of food, and had some of my people there but it was also significantly less people than last year.  Christmas snuck up on us, I didn't buy gifts for anyone but niblings, I didn't do cards, I don't think we even decorated the tree until post-Christmas.   We skipped the illumination tour (because we were at PAX when the tickets went on sale and somehow standing in line is an important part of the process)(we did do our own though, which meant we were all warm and Nonsense could come along) and we ended up having to donate Delight and Goodhugs' revels tickets because they were enplagued.

 

But I can also think back on at least four deeply traumatic christmases I've had, and NYE is still heavily, heavily associated with drinking for me.  Some years I rock out with the self-created traditions, some years I consider it a triumph to have a tree and to put a fake yule log up on the TV.  I've got one more holiday to get through (my birthday) and Arisia and then maybe I'll look at my life and figure out if I'm putting my energy in the right directions or set intentions.  Or maybe feeling like I'll be able to do that is just self-delusion brought on by extra sleep.