(no subject)

It's hard to journal for the sake of being able to tick the box in my bullet journal, when I'm not sure what I have to say and I'm tired enough that my brain flits all over the place and refuses to land anywhere.

Friday, Delight had a friend over and at some point we started talking about anxiety and the like and I confessed that the hardest part of childcare is when I have to sit very still because the baby is at the point where she's having a hard time sleeping and if I try to stand up and put her down, she'll wake back up and start the wailing again, because I can't figure out what to do with my brain at that point and when left to its own devices it only really has one or two well-worn riverbeds it flows down. "hey, remember that thing you forgot to do? I bet you'll forget it again before you get to a place you can write it down but let us dwell on how shitty it is that you haven't done it or even written it down yet" "remember that thing you really don't like about yourself? i feel like we haven't examined it in minute detail for at least half an hour, let's do that" "remember that conversation where you weren't sure you said the right thing at the right time? you didn't say the right thing and it wasn't the right time these are the three hundred reasons why it was wrong and another three hundred reasons why you should have known that before you opened your mouth". There are endless variations, of course, but only a couple themes.  I jokingly said something to the effect of "why do you think I read so much?" and then immediately worried I hadn't said any of it with enough of that self-mocking/accepting/distancing/"whatcha gonna do?" tone that makes it  okay to let the crazy out.

But at least today's the last day of the antibiotics that make my entire body stage a revolt, and in less than a month I go to Hawaii.