Sep. 20th, 2017

omnia_mutantur: (Default)
 Back when I wrote journals for Abundance's eyes only, I used to include a section on what I was coveting on any given day. Sometimes it helped me not buy things, sometimes it helped me pull the trigger on something that actually would make my life better.
 
For the moment, I've passed through the valley of eye makeup.   I know that I need to read or get rid of a lot of books I've got loitering around unread, I usually limit myself to only buying things by authors that I'm already devoted to (Seanan McGuire, Gail Carriger, Max Gladstone were the last three, I believe) and I've channeled my acquistiveness into a giant, excessively organized s/s of the books I want to read.   I've realized that the internet is where to get recipes from, so my cookbook acquisition has ground to a halt as well.  Any day now I'm going to break up with the thirty thousand indie perfume sites I visit and stop ordering samples.  
 
Sidenote: That said, I find the indie makeup reddit a weirdly welcoming and comforting place and I feel like there are other communities like that that I should be availing myself of.  Maybe Captain Awkward forums?  or some other yet-to-be-discovered thing?  I remember fondly the days when 60% of my socializing took place on alt.goth, and then later when a smaller but still significant percentage took place on dar williams and nields mailing lists.  And facebook isn't really the same thing, I'm not actually engaging with strangers there.
 
I don't need more things in the house, I don't feel like I have a good handle on all the stuff that is already in the house. But in the back of my mind, there's a voice that tells me maybe this next thing is going to be the thing that makes me happy enough to tip me over into a state of relative emotional stability.  Maybe the next perfume will make me self-confident, maybe the frank lloyd wright branded pencils will make me feel put together and nerdy enough to stop doubting my every move. Maybe the next kickstarter/patreon will save me.  And I know it's not true, I know that there are things that I'm just going to have to eventually negotiate internally or accept but that doesn't make me look longingly at the sock dreams website with any less regularity.
 
When telling people (light, abundance, my therapist) about my thought/belief/realization that I'm not getting any better, I keep sidetracking myself and talking about not getting better _at_ something (usually poly) rather than just this feeling of trying to achieve some goal of betterness and not getting there.  why else these twenty years of pills and therapy, these thirteen years of sobriety, this striving?
 
I should have made the brie-caramelized onion-apple pizza for dinner tonight, but while running errands today (heading home from dropping Light off at work after his doctor's appointment and buying Tank his birthday present) I did something (hit a pothole? ran over something? did some other thing that panic made me black out on (though I don't think I lost any time)) that gave my car a flat tire.  I drove maybe another block or five, pulled into a parking lot and called Light. AAA showed up very quickly (they were apparently just hanging out in the rite aid parking lot), changed my tire and sent me on my way.  I of course was crying and hyperventilating at this point, but made my way home and then ran out of steam completely.  I should have taken a nap, but even after the adrenalin should have worn off, I was still jittery.  Tired, but jittery.  I watched a baaad horror movie on netflix, cleaned a little, tried to walk the dog (Nonsense was having none of it, she is not a fan of rain) and did very little else, which included not making the pizza.
 
And I just remembered I forgot to pick up the farm share.  Blargh.  And I just noticed how late it is, and have decided to no longer wait for anyone to get home to eat my dinner.

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