Sep. 16th, 2017

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 It's been a good day.

When I woke up this morning, I had another headache and a deep inability to wake all the way up.  And I hadn't even increased the ambien like I'm supposed to.  (the story gets better).  Abundance found me asleep on the couch with the dog when he got up and sent me back to bed.   When I woke back up, I realized that it wasn't the right place in my head for a migraine (migraine - stabby pain behind right eye, headache more like full-skull dull ache).  

I still doubt that I reallly have migraines, maybe I'm just faking it for the good drugs and the excuses they provide. Hell, I still sometimes wonder if I'm faking my alcoholism (thanks, parents!), for attention and excuses and all those things, to be special in some backwards sort of way. My couples counselor tried to give me permission to tell myself maybe sometimes things are just hard, I don't need to doubt all my reactions all the time.

After Abundane ran with the dog, we toasted blintzes from baza, and I ate them with my magical strawberry chocolate jam from Baza.  Then we dropped Light off at Bloc 11 and drove to salem to be on the boat.  It took me a little bit to re-adjust to the boat, it's been a while, but my hot pink watershoes were there and I got to be naked and have sex in a boat on the ocean, and then I even jumped off the boat.   Since we took Nonsense to Revere Beach yesterday, this means I went in the ocean two days in a row.  Took me until September, but I guess that's the way of it.   Well, technically I believe I was in the ocean many times in a row on vacation, but that's different.

Light pointed out that Irma destroyed our favorite vacation spot, and I keep randomly thinking about the strays on the  virgin islands, and thinking I should really try to get to australia and snorkel before everything is ruined/gone forever, but then maybe I should actually try to get SCUBA certified first, and how the hell am I going to find an instructor who actually understand the problems with lots of body fat and stumpy little arms.  

Then we came home, took Nonsense to the dog park.  Even though both Light and Abundance seem to enjoy watching Nonsense run around and it certainly makes my life easier having three pairs of eyes on the dog (I'm a worrier, I worry a lot about being That Dog Parent at the park.) I wonder if it's boring them, if it's selfish to not just take her myself.

Then we went to the book riot book club at PSB, which has the delightful format of a handful of people who j ust talk about whatever it is they read that month, and I got a recommendation for a childrens book that is, among other things, a subtle takedown of toxic masculinity according to the woman who talked about it.  

Then we went to It, up in Burlington with the fancy seats with footrests that pop up at the push of a button.   I do enjoy jump scares, like little tastes of the coming haunted houses this year, but I don't think I enjoyed the movie. I don't think I'll ever see the miniseries or read the book, but I do still love the experience of seeing movies in the theaters.

I've started reading Gena/Finn by Hannah Moskowitz and it's maybe a little on the nose about weird internet friendships/relationships (dear gods it makes me uncomfortable to think about how many folks from alt.goth I got into intense internet relationships with in my college years) and being some sort of crazy and one of the main characters is starting college and writes this vaguely unhinged letter to her parents she never sends and it just set off all the feels and so much of the college-related anger I still remember.  Abundance and I and Light and his girlfriend will all be in Philadelphia attending a con in November, and I think I might take Abundance to see my college campus, even if I don't know how I'll react.  (gods, it'll be my twenty year reunion next year.  Maybe I can convince Light and Abundance and Delight to all come with me, openly as my partners and see how that plays out.)

I'm all over the place, and it's time for bed, and I kind of want to talk about how all the things are making me feel old and my weird psychiatrist suggesting I have more of a schedule or get a retail holiday job and it just made me feel like I was either overreacting or explaining things badly, because I do have a schedule most days and I can't imagine a retail job doing anything other than wearing me thinner than I already am these days.  

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