"i am anything but anybody's foundling"

 Day 7.

 

Wore myself out today and now my mood has just plummeted.  Went to the gym, worked out with my trainer, got my 10K steps in, drove to therapy where I once again just cried for a while, about inner critics and my failure to self-parent adequately and all the shit I can’t just force myself to get over and how I don’t understand how people like themselves or do anything without a mean voice in their head reminding them to.  Drove home, boiled chicken and rice for the dog, cleaned, picked up the farmshare, took the dog to the dog park and then fell asleep.

 

Nonsense has her nosework class and I didn’t do her homework and I don’t think she likes her boiled chicken very much.  *hours later* that was a complete misreading of the situation, she’s actually quite enthusiastic about the boiled chicken.  I’ve spent a truly absurd amount of time thinking about the dog’s poop in the past few days, and Light and Abundance assuring me that it’s fine doesn’t soothe me, it somehow makes me think that I’m the one who has to do all the worrying and so I double down.

 

My therapist told me an Elizabeth Gilbert anecdote today (she prefaced it by telling me it was by Elizabeth Gilbert and I did my little two minute hatefest of the author).  Apparently, Audience Member had asked/told her at a reading (or something) that she (audience member) couldn’t understand the idea of loving herself.  Elizabeth Gilbert told Audience Member that it was like rescuing a shelter animal, that you felt that sort of protective warm feeling and even if the animal had behavioral problems or was terrified or something like that, it didn’t make you love the animal less.

 

I of course piped up “but the doggie didn’t do anything” and my therapist, using her a-ha voice, said “neither did you.”