"what else was it you were looking for?"

 Wednesday I went to what was possibly the world's most awkward meetup. And I was completely fine with it. I hung around for about an hour, and then bailed to catch a bus. 

 

I realized that once again I need to examine whether or not I can really successfully detach from desired outcomes, specific and vague, in order to feel comfortable posting to social media of all sorts.  I want the reaching out to be the point, not the response, now I just need to find the map from here to there.

 

But I'm also so focused on the connections that it's hard to remember what to feel when I don't feel like I'm making them. These things can be a chronicle, a record for myself that I just happen to put where other people can see it but that's not truly true. My personal journal is full of lists and flailing and repetition, and I try to keep this something other than that.

 

Teach is pregnant with younger sister for Tank (or whatever I've been calling my beloved nephew), due  this winter, and I'm terrified. Maybe all the awful genetic legacies my family has to offer only get expressed in girl children, maybe she'll be a depressed alcoholic with an addictive personality and the BRCA mutation too. Maybe there''s only so much nature nuture can fight. Or maybe this is all a cheap-ass rationalization for why it sometimes seems like my brothers grew up in an entirely different family than I did, even if we were right there in the same trenches. 

But Delight's suggested a handful of books to read, and when in doubt - do research to it! And Unexpected reminded me of all the diagnostic tools that have developed since then, and I didn't have a me in my corner.

 

(I left myself a journal prompt weeks ago that I still haven't managed to actual write anything about that says only "when and why and how did I learn my body was a battle I'd never win?")