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"Wrecking balls inside my brain"
Mar. 8th, 2016 10:46 amAll the feels, all the time. Well, that and polysyndeton and sentence fragments.
At least the goddamn migraine meds have finally kicked in, or the combo of them and an inadvisable amount of caffeine and a totally advised amount of naproxen. (my spellcheck insists I mean promenade instead of naproxen and I want to know what an advised amount of promenade would be).
I'm having a bad time of it. And I always suspect when I'm having a bad time, I'm doing it to manipulate some situation. If I feel like I can't handle something, I must be lying to myself for some sort of gain. (thanks, dad!) I remember using my mother's computer at my parents house before we all drove upstate for Media's college graduation, and an incoming email from her college friend that said something to the effect of Omnia's just trying to steal Media's spotlight, because I'd been having a really hard time of it and had said something to that end to my mother. And it's always like that, since I can normally modulate my behavior to mask signs of distress, an inability to do so must not be an actual inability but instead a tool I'm using to get what I want.
I feel like a machine made for manufacturing tears and drama. I shouldn't be reacting this strongly to Light dating, I shouldn't be reacting this strongly to feeling like I'm trapped in my own kitchen by my inability to interact calmly with Labdanum. She hasn't done anything, I'm the one choosing to eat breakfast in the kitchen to avoid awkwardly sharing a couch with her, so I shouldn't feel resentful of her or Light for putting me in this situation.
And I pick a fight with Abundance last night because I want to lash out, I want to stop being reasonable, I want to be hurt by the things that hurt, and I can't marshal enough of my brainpower to explain what I'm upset about, so we just spiral into the same old topics, about the future versus the past, about location, about what changes and what stays the same.
There's a tentative plan in place, to clear out the room that Light uses for all his games, and the treadmill no one uses and I can paint it dovegray and get white curtains and a daybed, and use it as a sanctuary and a craft room. And on the one hand, maybe it can be a guest room too, on the other hand I just want a goddamn virginia woolf room of my own. And if Light has more sleepover dates, I'll get one of those shower caddies from college and duplicates of all my toiletries, and pretend I'm a transient in my own house.
I caved, practicing the sort of poly that I didn't want to practice with Abundance, and now I get to understand every single ugly feeling his wife had, and every single ugly feeling Light had/has, first with Asshat and now/then with Abundance. I'm not going to meet their partner for the forseeable future, we ended up in one of those situations where someone doesn't get what they want, and I let it be me.
I am not thriving, I am not doing well, I'm not making any of the kinds of progress I want to make. Things slide off my plate left and right, not because I forget them but because I frankly can't be bothered to fight for them, and then I get upset by stupid things, like my cat sleeping with Labdanum, even though I believe I should just be impressed she can tell Frye and Brat apart and that my cats liking people makes them more likely to be good people. (I'll never forget the time Funnyface swiped at my father when he tried to interact with her.)
But I don't feel like I have the oopmh to combat more forces eroding my boundaries, and maybe it'll be a matter of redrawing the boundaries closer to my skin, lying to myself until it becomes truth or indistinguishable from. Abundance tells me it's okay to feel my feelings, Delight tells me my only job for the moment is to let things happen, I can be happy for Light without requiring myself to say only happy things, and I'm absolutely sure my therapist agree, but if I can't slash and burn said feelings, I'll probably just opt for repress and bury them. and i don't know what right i have even to say this someplace where it can be read, since it just feels like anything other than placid acceptance and complete control is being unkind to someone but apparently I don't feel badly enough about it to not post.
At least the goddamn migraine meds have finally kicked in, or the combo of them and an inadvisable amount of caffeine and a totally advised amount of naproxen. (my spellcheck insists I mean promenade instead of naproxen and I want to know what an advised amount of promenade would be).
I'm having a bad time of it. And I always suspect when I'm having a bad time, I'm doing it to manipulate some situation. If I feel like I can't handle something, I must be lying to myself for some sort of gain. (thanks, dad!) I remember using my mother's computer at my parents house before we all drove upstate for Media's college graduation, and an incoming email from her college friend that said something to the effect of Omnia's just trying to steal Media's spotlight, because I'd been having a really hard time of it and had said something to that end to my mother. And it's always like that, since I can normally modulate my behavior to mask signs of distress, an inability to do so must not be an actual inability but instead a tool I'm using to get what I want.
I feel like a machine made for manufacturing tears and drama. I shouldn't be reacting this strongly to Light dating, I shouldn't be reacting this strongly to feeling like I'm trapped in my own kitchen by my inability to interact calmly with Labdanum. She hasn't done anything, I'm the one choosing to eat breakfast in the kitchen to avoid awkwardly sharing a couch with her, so I shouldn't feel resentful of her or Light for putting me in this situation.
And I pick a fight with Abundance last night because I want to lash out, I want to stop being reasonable, I want to be hurt by the things that hurt, and I can't marshal enough of my brainpower to explain what I'm upset about, so we just spiral into the same old topics, about the future versus the past, about location, about what changes and what stays the same.
There's a tentative plan in place, to clear out the room that Light uses for all his games, and the treadmill no one uses and I can paint it dovegray and get white curtains and a daybed, and use it as a sanctuary and a craft room. And on the one hand, maybe it can be a guest room too, on the other hand I just want a goddamn virginia woolf room of my own. And if Light has more sleepover dates, I'll get one of those shower caddies from college and duplicates of all my toiletries, and pretend I'm a transient in my own house.
I caved, practicing the sort of poly that I didn't want to practice with Abundance, and now I get to understand every single ugly feeling his wife had, and every single ugly feeling Light had/has, first with Asshat and now/then with Abundance. I'm not going to meet their partner for the forseeable future, we ended up in one of those situations where someone doesn't get what they want, and I let it be me.
I am not thriving, I am not doing well, I'm not making any of the kinds of progress I want to make. Things slide off my plate left and right, not because I forget them but because I frankly can't be bothered to fight for them, and then I get upset by stupid things, like my cat sleeping with Labdanum, even though I believe I should just be impressed she can tell Frye and Brat apart and that my cats liking people makes them more likely to be good people. (I'll never forget the time Funnyface swiped at my father when he tried to interact with her.)
But I don't feel like I have the oopmh to combat more forces eroding my boundaries, and maybe it'll be a matter of redrawing the boundaries closer to my skin, lying to myself until it becomes truth or indistinguishable from. Abundance tells me it's okay to feel my feelings, Delight tells me my only job for the moment is to let things happen, I can be happy for Light without requiring myself to say only happy things, and I'm absolutely sure my therapist agree, but if I can't slash and burn said feelings, I'll probably just opt for repress and bury them. and i don't know what right i have even to say this someplace where it can be read, since it just feels like anything other than placid acceptance and complete control is being unkind to someone but apparently I don't feel badly enough about it to not post.
