"how big, how blue, how beautiful"

Yeah, I've been listening to this album a *lot*.

My mood soars and crashes and soars again, and I'm trying to figure out how to think of myself as less damaged, because I think it might help. I think of myself as someone who handles disappointment in catastrophic ways.  I'm super-critical of my own reactions when something that I want to happen doesn't happen. 

But maybe that's not as much me as I think it is.  Maybe I can figure out how to reach a little farther.   I'm not sure how far, there are these vast leviathans in the distance, of things like living situations and babies and happiness and I don't dare approach any of them, except tentatively and slantwise and in the dark. 
 

But on the flip side, I am having so much fun, and when I'm alone, I appreciate it rather than feeling lonely.   I've gotten back on the reading train, and hope to get back on the cooking train any day now.

 

Also, I need to figure out how to convince this body to go back to the gym, when it doesn't want to even a little bit.   Every time I go back, I hurt myself again, I'm horrible at PT, I'm horrible at actually recognizing the difference between pain to push through and pain to coddle.  (Hint, I think it's all the former, and my fault for being fat in the first place).
 

Swimming was nice, but so is dyed hair and not having strange breakouts from the chlorine.  And I kind of just wanted to tire myself out rather than improve my form, but I also felt paralytically self-conscious,  of my weight, of my form, of the space I'm taking up.