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"But you're right back down to the wire"
Nov. 9th, 2014 06:50 pmA good day, with a brief interlude of suck.
Excellent fractional birthday party for Delight, we hosted and other people did the cooking and the inviting and having a charming group of friends parts.
People left, I cried myself to sleep, said tragic things to Light and took a brief nap. I can't seem to get less heartsick about my current situation. I'm so afraid that we've built most of a relationship on talking, and now he's going to be participating in an entire section of his life that I have absolutely no interest in hearing about, and so I can't ask "how are you?" freely anymore, much less anything else. And I keep reminding myself he made these choices, he's choosing what paths to go down, and it's not about me being good enough to be remembered, he believes that this is his best way forward and if no amount of data will change his mind, that's a thing that happens, no amount of data seems to be changing my mind.
I make myself sick with my own thoughts over and over again, wanting to know why I wasn't more important, imagining still more painful negotiations where I ask for things I can't have, where I try to find things that will make me feel better and I practice hearing ever more no, imagining other ways that he and his new partner might be untrustworthy, imagining the small ways he'll pull away from me now, trying to parse the small ways he is pulling away. And trying to remember that there's only so far that I can bend myself, that there is a core of diamond inside me, exposed to pressures he can't or won't understand. And maybe I was only useful to him as a transitional object, but i hope that isn't the truth and for now, I can keep fighting like that isn't the truth.. I hope we find a mutually satisfying way to be in each other's lives. But i still keep making myself sick, I still keep wondering what I did, if I wasn't vegetarian, didn't go to bed early, if I still drank, if I was less able to talk about my pain, if I was messier, if I was more demanding, if I lived somewhere else, if I had different kinks, would things have played out in some way that hurt less?
I'm hoping to find a particularly engaging hobby that takes me away from my computer screen, takes me away from my thoughts, takes me away from myself, takes me away from all my what-ifs, all these endless re-runnings of conversations to try to figure out where we're talking past each other, this endless searching for metaphors that make sense to both of us. Weaving seems to be a front-runner. Knitting stressed me out rather than soothed me, cross-stitch gets boring after a while, and there my imagination putters to a halt. I can take the sewing classes, but they never seem to inspire me to wanting to do something on my own. Quilting might be interesting. Maybe something not fiber-related at all? The codecademy lessons, for the moment at least, are too loaded to be entirely soothing. A physical skill? weightlifting? origami? some other paper project?
Excellent fractional birthday party for Delight, we hosted and other people did the cooking and the inviting and having a charming group of friends parts.
People left, I cried myself to sleep, said tragic things to Light and took a brief nap. I can't seem to get less heartsick about my current situation. I'm so afraid that we've built most of a relationship on talking, and now he's going to be participating in an entire section of his life that I have absolutely no interest in hearing about, and so I can't ask "how are you?" freely anymore, much less anything else. And I keep reminding myself he made these choices, he's choosing what paths to go down, and it's not about me being good enough to be remembered, he believes that this is his best way forward and if no amount of data will change his mind, that's a thing that happens, no amount of data seems to be changing my mind.
I make myself sick with my own thoughts over and over again, wanting to know why I wasn't more important, imagining still more painful negotiations where I ask for things I can't have, where I try to find things that will make me feel better and I practice hearing ever more no, imagining other ways that he and his new partner might be untrustworthy, imagining the small ways he'll pull away from me now, trying to parse the small ways he is pulling away. And trying to remember that there's only so far that I can bend myself, that there is a core of diamond inside me, exposed to pressures he can't or won't understand. And maybe I was only useful to him as a transitional object, but i hope that isn't the truth and for now, I can keep fighting like that isn't the truth.. I hope we find a mutually satisfying way to be in each other's lives. But i still keep making myself sick, I still keep wondering what I did, if I wasn't vegetarian, didn't go to bed early, if I still drank, if I was less able to talk about my pain, if I was messier, if I was more demanding, if I lived somewhere else, if I had different kinks, would things have played out in some way that hurt less?
I'm hoping to find a particularly engaging hobby that takes me away from my computer screen, takes me away from my thoughts, takes me away from myself, takes me away from all my what-ifs, all these endless re-runnings of conversations to try to figure out where we're talking past each other, this endless searching for metaphors that make sense to both of us. Weaving seems to be a front-runner. Knitting stressed me out rather than soothed me, cross-stitch gets boring after a while, and there my imagination putters to a halt. I can take the sewing classes, but they never seem to inspire me to wanting to do something on my own. Quilting might be interesting. Maybe something not fiber-related at all? The codecademy lessons, for the moment at least, are too loaded to be entirely soothing. A physical skill? weightlifting? origami? some other paper project?
