(no subject)

Day three, despair remix.

I'm trying so hard to be good, when I don't even know what good is, and I'm not even sure that the thing that people want me to be is good.   And I know there are no points for intent, no points for trying, no As for effort, I know there's no such thing as fair. 
 

And I know I'm the author of at least half of this flavor of pain, I could choose to walk away and pick another, possibly more finite pain, but I can't actually figure out how to kill the spark of hope that there exists a place (and truth be told, most of the time, I don't even want to try)  where everyone lives happily ever after and it feels like I'm part of that everyone.
 

I expect better of myself.   Even if it feels like being told I'm mostly worthless every time we negotiate and he says no, even if it feels like being abandoned every time he leaves, even if I half-believe he'll come back trailing some new disaster if he comes back at all, I expect to be able to find a place of calm where I weigh costs and balances, where there's much less uncritical wailing and more analysis and more stern talks to myself about how I'm being needy and self-centered and wrong. 

And separation anxiety and long distance relationships don't mix well, they never have but I was getting better and now I think the peace I'd previously found was at least partially fictitious so I need new next steps.

And my boss knocked on my door to summon me to the staff meeting, took one look, and asked me if she could help and told me that she was going to tell everyone I was working under a deadline and couldn't make it.    My eyes are red and puffy and they hurt and I can't figure out how to stop crying and I have no idea how I'm going to make it through print class, and I can't find a single song to quote from that doesn't upset me.