"and oh, how we the common must cry"

Day one, again.

You know, fuck this noise.  The collective weight of not having posted anything keeps getting larger, somehow the longer it's been since last I posted, the harder it is to feel like I have anything to say worth posting, when really the debate probably isn't even about worth.  It's been a rough time, hard things have happened and some of them keep happening.  But, I'm on an exciting new mood stabilizer, I'm tried of crying and I'm going to seize this moment of bravado and type words.

I went dark.   I stopped returning most emails, I stopped reaching out to just about everyone, i stopped remembering how to think about things without dissolving into tears, all thoughts devolved into the same tired refrains about self-worth and self-loathing and I should know better and I should keep my trauma close to my chest.  I went to work, I showered, I hid.  Some days I managed two out of three, on some occasions only one.  I'm slowly trying to make plans with people again, Abundance and I have challenged each other to make some sort of social effort every day, and while it feels like cheating (seriously, omnia, how can you cheat on a self-assigned task.  redefine the parameters, cut yourself the teeniest bit of slack) to count making a plan on one day and executing the same plan on another, I'm totally counting it because falling down on plans is totally a thing.

I've stopped reading very much, I don't go to many concerts anymore.  I've entered that shame place with the library where even though I paid for that book I lost, I feel like I've requested so many books that I never went to pick up that I shouldn't show my face there.  I don't think I've been to a museum in a very long time (though I reallyreallyreally want to see the ICA's newest exhibit).   I haven't taken anything at gatherhere in months.  I haven't finished my new nephew's birth record cross-stitch, even though he's been on the scene for a month, and I am definitely not giving cross-stitched christmas ornaments to my family.  I don't cook very much, I completely failed at farm share this year.  I stopped going to the gym.

But, I have managed to drop a latin class I was hating, and struggle forward with a letterpress class that I'm adoring.   I did a railscamp event up in maine and have been plugging away at www.codecademy.com courses.  I'm taking a grants management refresher course at work, I've set up the search engine on the beast's internal website that emails me when new part time jobs get posted.   I've already been to two haunted houses this season, and have picked a costume that boils down to "I own this corset" which isn't clever, but I don't have nearly enough corset-wearing occasions.   Delight and I have shared gcals, and this makes me downright giddy to think on.   (there's something about the intimacy of a gcalendar that, well, delights me)  I did two exceptionally hard things last weekend and the one that I can talk about means that I've now finished the in-a-pool half of scuba certification and now need to go on open water divers to get the rest of the way done.   I'm thinking some combination of warmer weather, more personalized gear (I am extremely buoyant, short of torso and stubby of arms, all of which combined to make things challenging) and I might even be excited about doing so.  

I have a handful of obsessions that I revisit at the very least weekly that all make me feel better (the brave sparrow meditation, a song by thao and the get down stay down and a song by thea gilmore being the top three right now) I have a squishable werewolf I've named Alecto and someday I'll complete the trifecta of protective things and get a knife and name her tisiphone.

I am actually putting one foot in front of the other and seeing what happens.