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"damn everything but the circus"
Jul. 9th, 2014 07:17 pmDay one.
So, the problem with keeping track of my streaks is that once I've broken it, there's some sullen part of my brain that says "well, I guess I'll just never post again." But that's missing the point, and I try to be sullen as seldom as possible, so here I am, back once again.
We're buying me a new laptop, this one has taken to rebooting occasionally for no good reason, sometimes with an accompanying blue screen, sometimes without, and it no longer differentiates between being plugged in or not, it just thinks it always is. Which isn't a huge problem, but isn't a useful feature either.
And even here, I start to try to justify trudging along with the technology I have rather than buying something new that works in all the ways I want it to work. And Abundance reminds me I don't have to suffer nobly at the hands of my devices, that if they don't work the way I want them to work, I should try to find ones that will. And he's right, these are objects I use every day, and my suspicion that I just emit some sort of accelerated entropy in a field around me isn't actually true. (even though both my phone and my tablet have the habit of just ignoring when I touch them. I'm not sure if it's more embarassing that I tried, or that i succeeded, but I unlocked my phone with my nose the other day)
I had an amazing weekend with Abundance last weekend, I feel saturated with contentedness, with attention. It's not a very natural state for me, it feels like I keep almost going to sleep and then doing that weird full body spasm that yanks you back to consciousness, except I'm calming myself down with faith in him, and then spasming with insecurity. But the faith might be winning out, and it might not even jinx things to say that here, in words on the screen.
For the record then, he's amazing. And he told me he sees me, sees all of me, all of my fears of being too much, and he still loves me. much melting ensued.
The convention approaches, and I'm afraid and anxious and hopeful. Hindsight says I should have taken this year off, but I'm learning from my errors and taking next year, to try to figure out what I am when I'm not trying to volunteer, to see if I can convince myself to throw that energy into swimming, or sewing, or any of the hundred other things on my list. If you're coming, text me when you get to the hotel, I'd love to see you and maybe go to a panel with you or drink tea in my hotel room or something. I suspect I'm either going to be a) smart and manage my reserves to make it through the whole convention without spending too much time on my foot or b) be an idiot, wear myself out the first day and then have to spend the rest of the convention not spending time on my foot. Either way, I'll be spending a lot of time sitting still.
But now, I go cuddle with Light and maybe even a small dog.
So, the problem with keeping track of my streaks is that once I've broken it, there's some sullen part of my brain that says "well, I guess I'll just never post again." But that's missing the point, and I try to be sullen as seldom as possible, so here I am, back once again.
We're buying me a new laptop, this one has taken to rebooting occasionally for no good reason, sometimes with an accompanying blue screen, sometimes without, and it no longer differentiates between being plugged in or not, it just thinks it always is. Which isn't a huge problem, but isn't a useful feature either.
And even here, I start to try to justify trudging along with the technology I have rather than buying something new that works in all the ways I want it to work. And Abundance reminds me I don't have to suffer nobly at the hands of my devices, that if they don't work the way I want them to work, I should try to find ones that will. And he's right, these are objects I use every day, and my suspicion that I just emit some sort of accelerated entropy in a field around me isn't actually true. (even though both my phone and my tablet have the habit of just ignoring when I touch them. I'm not sure if it's more embarassing that I tried, or that i succeeded, but I unlocked my phone with my nose the other day)
I had an amazing weekend with Abundance last weekend, I feel saturated with contentedness, with attention. It's not a very natural state for me, it feels like I keep almost going to sleep and then doing that weird full body spasm that yanks you back to consciousness, except I'm calming myself down with faith in him, and then spasming with insecurity. But the faith might be winning out, and it might not even jinx things to say that here, in words on the screen.
For the record then, he's amazing. And he told me he sees me, sees all of me, all of my fears of being too much, and he still loves me. much melting ensued.
The convention approaches, and I'm afraid and anxious and hopeful. Hindsight says I should have taken this year off, but I'm learning from my errors and taking next year, to try to figure out what I am when I'm not trying to volunteer, to see if I can convince myself to throw that energy into swimming, or sewing, or any of the hundred other things on my list. If you're coming, text me when you get to the hotel, I'd love to see you and maybe go to a panel with you or drink tea in my hotel room or something. I suspect I'm either going to be a) smart and manage my reserves to make it through the whole convention without spending too much time on my foot or b) be an idiot, wear myself out the first day and then have to spend the rest of the convention not spending time on my foot. Either way, I'll be spending a lot of time sitting still.
But now, I go cuddle with Light and maybe even a small dog.
