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Day 7.
Twice in the past three or so days, I've made causal reference to doing something in the future with Abundance, and there's that too-fast elevator feeling afterwards that I stuff back in its box because I don't need to borrow that trouble, because it feels really good and because then it freaks me the fuck out because I am seriously head over heels for this man and even if Light's convinced me that Light wants years and years of me (as much as anyone can convince me) it still feels like placing a weird burden/expectation on someone to believe they'll still be around. Especially when they're in a changing place in their own lives.
Maybe I should just let my brain rest, and imagine whatever futures it wants to imagine without trying to figure out if I'm going to suffer because of them.
Abundance told me that he'd never heard anyone else use the word "judge" as often as I do. And sure, I'm confessing strange weird fears to him that I usually keep bottled up but he just keeps reacting with fondness when I tell him that my tablet judges me and my cats judge me and the dirty dishes judge me and the raspberries judge me if I let them spoil in the fridge.
If it weren't for my inability to read and the fact I feel like I haven't seen anyone but Light and Abundance in a month and that I'm going to be wearing a walking cast for at least five more weeks and Readercon, I'd say things are pretty good. Not in the specific, sort of, both Abundance and Light are stressed about life-stuff that pretty much I can't do anything about, and sitting between two tense boys on a couch and wanting to fix it and not being able to frustrates the fuck out of me.
But despite the initial despair and doom and gloom I greeted my fracture with, I feel like I'm dealing with it better than I could have, that I've gone not quite as far down the hole as I could have, and I've climbed back out faster to boot. (heh. pun unintentional) And of course, I think typing that sentence out means I'm going to go in for my xray on the 30th and they'll tell me that my foot is actually going to fall off and I've broken six other things in the meantime. Much like I'm pretty sure I get a migraine every time I think "I haven't had a migraine in a while" though really I think what happens is that I sense I'm about to get a migraine on a less-than-forebrain way and wonder when my last one was.
Cause, effect. Whatever.
Twice in the past three or so days, I've made causal reference to doing something in the future with Abundance, and there's that too-fast elevator feeling afterwards that I stuff back in its box because I don't need to borrow that trouble, because it feels really good and because then it freaks me the fuck out because I am seriously head over heels for this man and even if Light's convinced me that Light wants years and years of me (as much as anyone can convince me) it still feels like placing a weird burden/expectation on someone to believe they'll still be around. Especially when they're in a changing place in their own lives.
Maybe I should just let my brain rest, and imagine whatever futures it wants to imagine without trying to figure out if I'm going to suffer because of them.
Abundance told me that he'd never heard anyone else use the word "judge" as often as I do. And sure, I'm confessing strange weird fears to him that I usually keep bottled up but he just keeps reacting with fondness when I tell him that my tablet judges me and my cats judge me and the dirty dishes judge me and the raspberries judge me if I let them spoil in the fridge.
If it weren't for my inability to read and the fact I feel like I haven't seen anyone but Light and Abundance in a month and that I'm going to be wearing a walking cast for at least five more weeks and Readercon, I'd say things are pretty good. Not in the specific, sort of, both Abundance and Light are stressed about life-stuff that pretty much I can't do anything about, and sitting between two tense boys on a couch and wanting to fix it and not being able to frustrates the fuck out of me.
But despite the initial despair and doom and gloom I greeted my fracture with, I feel like I'm dealing with it better than I could have, that I've gone not quite as far down the hole as I could have, and I've climbed back out faster to boot. (heh. pun unintentional) And of course, I think typing that sentence out means I'm going to go in for my xray on the 30th and they'll tell me that my foot is actually going to fall off and I've broken six other things in the meantime. Much like I'm pretty sure I get a migraine every time I think "I haven't had a migraine in a while" though really I think what happens is that I sense I'm about to get a migraine on a less-than-forebrain way and wonder when my last one was.
Cause, effect. Whatever.
