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"Knock so I'll know you're still there,"
Sep. 25th, 2013 12:58 pmSo I’ve been thinking about my bad habits a lot. Mostly, the assumptions I make, but also some of my behaviors.
I said something a while ago about how silence, to me, meant that someone didn’t want to tell me something. Obviously, this is not strictly true, I’m not always talking to everyone, I don’t have that much to say, and I have things that I do that aren’t crouching over some piece of technology, trying to soak up as much interaction as possible, like I’m feeding an insatiable monster. And some of it is that I want affirmation of connection, but some of it is just that I want information.
Because, and here’s the thing that’s tripping me up, when I don’t have all the information, I start trying to make patterns, connections about the things not being said. I’ll look for the secret messages in which stories are still getting told, what’s actually encoded in people’s actions. And the less information I have, the more I have to fill in from my guessing, and my guessing always has an extremely negative twist, I assume all the codes translate into the same thing, “go away, you bother me but for the moment I’m too nice to tell you as much”. I try to read things in gchat statuses and cancellations and emoticons and omissions.
Because I’m always trying to brace for the worst thing, and I’m always furious with myself when I react badly to anything, because I believe that I should have been able to anticipate it, and by anticipating, work myself around to accepting it, and therefore not be weepy or angry all over anyone other than my pets and my squishables.
And then there’s a what-comes-first game, am I trying to protect myself from being unexpectedly left and that defensive behavior is what makes someone want to leave? If I need reassurances to keep believing I’m important/they don’t intend to leave, is the constant asking for that the thing that’s going to make them do the thing that I’m asking them to assure me they won’t?
I think all the time about being too much, about being messy and getting my sticky handprints all over other people’s nice things. (when I was little, when we went to nice stores, the requirement was that I keep my hands folded together behind my back, and sometimes I feel that I’m always correcting myself, that I’ve forgotten how to behave and am reaching out to other people’s nice things and I shouldn’t be).
I make jokes about being “high cost/high reward” or “I may be hard to love, but I love really hard”, except sometimes I can tell that makes other people nervous, like saying that is the same as asking for someone to tell me I’m not high cost, I’m not hard to love, but I don’t think I am, I think I have enough proof to make those statements true things. But maybe I am asking for them to agree with the second half, that I do bring happiness to their lives, I do make some things easier even when I’m making other things harder. But, on the flip side, I don’t usually think of myself as fussy and demanding, I’m usually too aware of what I can lose, and since I’ve screwed myself over a handful of time reacting badly to ultimatums, I try to never give them. I try to self-soothe, I try to remember that there are a couple pieces of the old Omnia I miss, the take-me-as-is-or-not-at-all swagger, the come-on-try-me smirk that maybe I can recapture without needing the self-destructiveness.
I’m trying to figure out how to ask for what I need, and how to let it go when the other person can’t or won’t give it to me. I’m trying not to listen to too many Nicole Blackman songs, I’m trying not to think about exes. (I had a dream last night where someone murdered Lesson because they thought it would somehow make me feel better, and it seemed perfectly normal and kind of sweet and did make me feel better, in the dream. And I don’t even want Lesson dead in real life). I’m trying to figure out which are the things that I can do, but don’t have to or don’t want to. I told someone once that their ability to do something did not actually create in them an obligation to be the person doing it, and I’m trying to remember that’s true across the board.
I said something a while ago about how silence, to me, meant that someone didn’t want to tell me something. Obviously, this is not strictly true, I’m not always talking to everyone, I don’t have that much to say, and I have things that I do that aren’t crouching over some piece of technology, trying to soak up as much interaction as possible, like I’m feeding an insatiable monster. And some of it is that I want affirmation of connection, but some of it is just that I want information.
Because, and here’s the thing that’s tripping me up, when I don’t have all the information, I start trying to make patterns, connections about the things not being said. I’ll look for the secret messages in which stories are still getting told, what’s actually encoded in people’s actions. And the less information I have, the more I have to fill in from my guessing, and my guessing always has an extremely negative twist, I assume all the codes translate into the same thing, “go away, you bother me but for the moment I’m too nice to tell you as much”. I try to read things in gchat statuses and cancellations and emoticons and omissions.
Because I’m always trying to brace for the worst thing, and I’m always furious with myself when I react badly to anything, because I believe that I should have been able to anticipate it, and by anticipating, work myself around to accepting it, and therefore not be weepy or angry all over anyone other than my pets and my squishables.
And then there’s a what-comes-first game, am I trying to protect myself from being unexpectedly left and that defensive behavior is what makes someone want to leave? If I need reassurances to keep believing I’m important/they don’t intend to leave, is the constant asking for that the thing that’s going to make them do the thing that I’m asking them to assure me they won’t?
I think all the time about being too much, about being messy and getting my sticky handprints all over other people’s nice things. (when I was little, when we went to nice stores, the requirement was that I keep my hands folded together behind my back, and sometimes I feel that I’m always correcting myself, that I’ve forgotten how to behave and am reaching out to other people’s nice things and I shouldn’t be).
I make jokes about being “high cost/high reward” or “I may be hard to love, but I love really hard”, except sometimes I can tell that makes other people nervous, like saying that is the same as asking for someone to tell me I’m not high cost, I’m not hard to love, but I don’t think I am, I think I have enough proof to make those statements true things. But maybe I am asking for them to agree with the second half, that I do bring happiness to their lives, I do make some things easier even when I’m making other things harder. But, on the flip side, I don’t usually think of myself as fussy and demanding, I’m usually too aware of what I can lose, and since I’ve screwed myself over a handful of time reacting badly to ultimatums, I try to never give them. I try to self-soothe, I try to remember that there are a couple pieces of the old Omnia I miss, the take-me-as-is-or-not-at-all swagger, the come-on-try-me smirk that maybe I can recapture without needing the self-destructiveness.
I’m trying to figure out how to ask for what I need, and how to let it go when the other person can’t or won’t give it to me. I’m trying not to listen to too many Nicole Blackman songs, I’m trying not to think about exes. (I had a dream last night where someone murdered Lesson because they thought it would somehow make me feel better, and it seemed perfectly normal and kind of sweet and did make me feel better, in the dream. And I don’t even want Lesson dead in real life). I’m trying to figure out which are the things that I can do, but don’t have to or don’t want to. I told someone once that their ability to do something did not actually create in them an obligation to be the person doing it, and I’m trying to remember that’s true across the board.
