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Wings posted some lovely questions and while I have a feeling that she's asking some of them of the world and not of me, I'm still going to answer them, because I'm finding posting extremely challenging of late, and I'll cling to any thread I can find. I'm feeling desperate and insecure, and unsure how to ask for the reassurances I need, because I can't figure out what I can hear at the moment. And I straight up acknowledge to Abundance that sometimes nuances get lost when I translate things from what people are actually saying to omnia-speak, but knowing that doesn't seem to soften the edges of anything.
Having gotten in a relationship with someone who reads my journal, I start doing this weird dance of saying some things slant-wise, because it seems so dreadfully manipulative to give someone information by means of a public post, rather than a direct conversation. and even saying this seems awkward, like I'm blaming someone for something, even though I'm not. There are so many different things that fetter my speech, here and elsewhere, and it's no one's fault, it's just how things work, or how I perceive them working.
It was not my finest weekend. I went to Intention's party, had a lovely conversation, and then abruptly became peopled out and retreated home. And then I went to the TKOP orientation, which was informative, but also full of expert guys and people not yet comfortable with their own kink and making strange flat-falling jokes to prove that they were comfortable with it. And then the party itself, which used up all of my people points and then some, and abruptly fled that as well. And then Light couldn't sleep last night, so slept most of the day today, and we canceled our spontaneously planned anniversary trip plans to drive out to Northampton and soak in a hot tub under the stars and get a couples massage.
And we all know how well I deal with disappointment, so I spent much of the day alternating between rage-cleaning and sobbing. And then I had a conversation with Abundance where I got all fumble-tongued and insecure, and of course Light woke up during one of the hardest parts and came downstairs to me weeping while typing, but he gave me space to at least finish out some of what I was trying to say, and then we talked about my feelings for a very long time, ran all the errands, came home to drink cocoa and play video games.
So, yeah. Tacking all of that on the end of a week which included my work's annual retreat, held at the Faculty Club and full of professors and captains of industry and hours and hours of being polite and professional and gregarious and you've got a more than a little frazzled omnia. And there were lovely points as well, an unexpected overnight visit from Abundance, a margaret atwood reading, and my now very-clean first floor. But there might have also been another, easier way to go.
Onto Wings' questions.
Why me, out of everyone out there?
Well, if you're asking why I adore you, it's because you're amazing, and the way your mind works seems so very familiar to me, and you use words well, and you're brave when you're scared. Because you send good snailmail, and because it's difficult to remember we've never actually had tea and traded stories, If you're asking why crappy things happen sometimes, I wish I knew.
What do you drink when it's cold and grey out? Snowy? Bright and hot?
I like sweet black tea, usually some variation of cinnamon or vanilla or similar spices, though I'm also currently loving some maple black tea. Light makes us cocoa some nights as a special treat (we had some tonight, because it's almost chilly. In college, there was a little cafe in the SEPTA station that I would occasionally decide to treat myself to a steamer with a shot of almond flavor, when I could convince myself that kind of comfort was more important than a pack of cigarettes, and I still sometimes default to steamed skim milk with a shot of almond. So cold and grey are usually one and the same as snowy, though on days too snowy to go out, instead of an individual cup of tea, Light makes us a pot of tea, and brings it out to the coffee table, along with our diner-style sugar dispenser and our shaped-like-a-milk-bottle ceramic milk dispenser, and mugs and spoons and we drink from it for the next hour or so as we sit on our computers with our feet under blankets. Bright and hot, I usually try to drink a lot of seltzer water, flavored with lime juice, or sweet iced tea. occasionally, I'll spring for a house-made soda at the cafe down the corner, or make some mint syrup of my own to make mint sodas with.
I totally have another list of questions I want to ask, but I need to match it against the first to make sure I'm not repeating anything.
ETA: Talking this over with Light, I realized that this was also the week our sweet doggie went in for a partial mastectomy, and the week that the woman who rents the basement apartment decided, for reasons still unknown to us, to pound on her own door drunkenly screaming to be let in at 1 in the morning. (there wasn't actually anyone inside the apartment, as far as we could tell, and she got her key stolen while she was out, so maybe she thought the person who had taken her key was chilling at her apartment.) And under-sleeping almost always triggers downsliding.
Having gotten in a relationship with someone who reads my journal, I start doing this weird dance of saying some things slant-wise, because it seems so dreadfully manipulative to give someone information by means of a public post, rather than a direct conversation. and even saying this seems awkward, like I'm blaming someone for something, even though I'm not. There are so many different things that fetter my speech, here and elsewhere, and it's no one's fault, it's just how things work, or how I perceive them working.
It was not my finest weekend. I went to Intention's party, had a lovely conversation, and then abruptly became peopled out and retreated home. And then I went to the TKOP orientation, which was informative, but also full of expert guys and people not yet comfortable with their own kink and making strange flat-falling jokes to prove that they were comfortable with it. And then the party itself, which used up all of my people points and then some, and abruptly fled that as well. And then Light couldn't sleep last night, so slept most of the day today, and we canceled our spontaneously planned anniversary trip plans to drive out to Northampton and soak in a hot tub under the stars and get a couples massage.
And we all know how well I deal with disappointment, so I spent much of the day alternating between rage-cleaning and sobbing. And then I had a conversation with Abundance where I got all fumble-tongued and insecure, and of course Light woke up during one of the hardest parts and came downstairs to me weeping while typing, but he gave me space to at least finish out some of what I was trying to say, and then we talked about my feelings for a very long time, ran all the errands, came home to drink cocoa and play video games.
So, yeah. Tacking all of that on the end of a week which included my work's annual retreat, held at the Faculty Club and full of professors and captains of industry and hours and hours of being polite and professional and gregarious and you've got a more than a little frazzled omnia. And there were lovely points as well, an unexpected overnight visit from Abundance, a margaret atwood reading, and my now very-clean first floor. But there might have also been another, easier way to go.
Onto Wings' questions.
Why me, out of everyone out there?
Well, if you're asking why I adore you, it's because you're amazing, and the way your mind works seems so very familiar to me, and you use words well, and you're brave when you're scared. Because you send good snailmail, and because it's difficult to remember we've never actually had tea and traded stories, If you're asking why crappy things happen sometimes, I wish I knew.
What do you drink when it's cold and grey out? Snowy? Bright and hot?
I like sweet black tea, usually some variation of cinnamon or vanilla or similar spices, though I'm also currently loving some maple black tea. Light makes us cocoa some nights as a special treat (we had some tonight, because it's almost chilly. In college, there was a little cafe in the SEPTA station that I would occasionally decide to treat myself to a steamer with a shot of almond flavor, when I could convince myself that kind of comfort was more important than a pack of cigarettes, and I still sometimes default to steamed skim milk with a shot of almond. So cold and grey are usually one and the same as snowy, though on days too snowy to go out, instead of an individual cup of tea, Light makes us a pot of tea, and brings it out to the coffee table, along with our diner-style sugar dispenser and our shaped-like-a-milk-bottle ceramic milk dispenser, and mugs and spoons and we drink from it for the next hour or so as we sit on our computers with our feet under blankets. Bright and hot, I usually try to drink a lot of seltzer water, flavored with lime juice, or sweet iced tea. occasionally, I'll spring for a house-made soda at the cafe down the corner, or make some mint syrup of my own to make mint sodas with.
I totally have another list of questions I want to ask, but I need to match it against the first to make sure I'm not repeating anything.
ETA: Talking this over with Light, I realized that this was also the week our sweet doggie went in for a partial mastectomy, and the week that the woman who rents the basement apartment decided, for reasons still unknown to us, to pound on her own door drunkenly screaming to be let in at 1 in the morning. (there wasn't actually anyone inside the apartment, as far as we could tell, and she got her key stolen while she was out, so maybe she thought the person who had taken her key was chilling at her apartment.) And under-sleeping almost always triggers downsliding.
