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"I got nothing to report"
Apr. 10th, 2013 08:01 pmThere are evenings (and oh is this one) where I can see the iceberg looming out of the water. And the metaphor breaks down a little bit, because I can't quite tell if I bother trying to throw the engines in reverse, or if I know it's too late already. But my mood crashes and sinks, and then I get restless and fussy and start replaying all the interactions the day contained to try to figure out what I might have done wrong, what pieces of me I showed to whom, and if it was okay, what I might have misread, what might have looked like pressure, what might have been rejection I didn't parse the first time around.
I did pretty well today. I went to work, I managed to climb a whole flight of stairs without gasping. (for whatever reason, I'm fine on level ground, but stairs make me feel like I'm still breathing soup). I had conversations, multiple conversations, with people, and I felt cheerful and playful, as calm as I ever get. I got a lot of work done. Hell, I went to a medcheck and reacted with equanimity to the idea of changing my meds up even more. I got stuck underground on the green line and didn't even really care. I canceled my evening plans, remembering I'm still allowed to be tired and a little bit sick still.
But then something shifted, and my mood lost its balance and the rocks slid and down I went, scraping elbows and bruising knees. I start feeling weird about wanting to have plans with people, wanting to be mentioned publicly, I start wondering if I was supposed to apologize for that thing I said, I get anxious about being all naked and needy out in public (I always seem to end up wanting to be more cat than dog, and being more dog than cat.) And then I start tracking down Elizabeth Bishop poems about icebergs and fold laundry and freak out.
In other news, I asked Light to try to make me someone who would enjoy attending paxeast, and so the first thing we're trying is playing through all of the games we own that support two player play. Eleminis, here I come.
I did pretty well today. I went to work, I managed to climb a whole flight of stairs without gasping. (for whatever reason, I'm fine on level ground, but stairs make me feel like I'm still breathing soup). I had conversations, multiple conversations, with people, and I felt cheerful and playful, as calm as I ever get. I got a lot of work done. Hell, I went to a medcheck and reacted with equanimity to the idea of changing my meds up even more. I got stuck underground on the green line and didn't even really care. I canceled my evening plans, remembering I'm still allowed to be tired and a little bit sick still.
But then something shifted, and my mood lost its balance and the rocks slid and down I went, scraping elbows and bruising knees. I start feeling weird about wanting to have plans with people, wanting to be mentioned publicly, I start wondering if I was supposed to apologize for that thing I said, I get anxious about being all naked and needy out in public (I always seem to end up wanting to be more cat than dog, and being more dog than cat.) And then I start tracking down Elizabeth Bishop poems about icebergs and fold laundry and freak out.
In other news, I asked Light to try to make me someone who would enjoy attending paxeast, and so the first thing we're trying is playing through all of the games we own that support two player play. Eleminis, here I come.
