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Dec. 16th, 2012 10:30 pmSo, I trailed off on my daily posting. After a little while of not posting because I a) felt like I was phoning it in and b) felt as though I had failed because I missed days, I remembered that this was a personal exercise, and that I needed to learn to just keep getting back up on the horse, no matter how many times I fell down.
I draw these boxes for myself, of things I can and can't do, and it's difficult for me to move something from one box to the other. I tried bellydancing earlier this year, in an attempt to learn how to give myself the opportunity for failure, rather than just continuing to avoid doing things I didn't already know whether or not I could do. Bellydancing involved a lot of frustration, and a lot of crying, and it may have been the teacher, or it may have been my absolutely wretched mind-body connection, or something else entirely, but eventually I stopped going to class because I felt I could cry in the privacy of my own home (or on the bus) without having to schedule it in for every sunday morning.
As, since i don't seem to be able to convince myself to go to the gym, or write every day, or give up dessert entirely, or never buy frivolous things, or never let food go to waste, I've convinced myself a) there's no such thing as partial success, b) I'll never be able to do it and c) I'm an awful person for being so weak-willed.
So, get back up on the horse, omnia. I espouse that quitting anything isn't a single moment, it's an ongoing performance, I haven't just quit drinking, I have to continue to not drink, and even if I were to slip and drink, that wouldn't be permission to stop trying to be dry, it would just give me more information about what I needed to do to stay dry for my next attempt. Or at least I'd like to think so.
And see, I've managed to post about not posting. Day 1.
I draw these boxes for myself, of things I can and can't do, and it's difficult for me to move something from one box to the other. I tried bellydancing earlier this year, in an attempt to learn how to give myself the opportunity for failure, rather than just continuing to avoid doing things I didn't already know whether or not I could do. Bellydancing involved a lot of frustration, and a lot of crying, and it may have been the teacher, or it may have been my absolutely wretched mind-body connection, or something else entirely, but eventually I stopped going to class because I felt I could cry in the privacy of my own home (or on the bus) without having to schedule it in for every sunday morning.
As, since i don't seem to be able to convince myself to go to the gym, or write every day, or give up dessert entirely, or never buy frivolous things, or never let food go to waste, I've convinced myself a) there's no such thing as partial success, b) I'll never be able to do it and c) I'm an awful person for being so weak-willed.
So, get back up on the horse, omnia. I espouse that quitting anything isn't a single moment, it's an ongoing performance, I haven't just quit drinking, I have to continue to not drink, and even if I were to slip and drink, that wouldn't be permission to stop trying to be dry, it would just give me more information about what I needed to do to stay dry for my next attempt. Or at least I'd like to think so.
And see, I've managed to post about not posting. Day 1.
