(no subject)

so, i don't want to be a smof.

The more I think about Readercon, and the safety committee, and the more I talk to people about the safety committee, the more I realize that what I want to do is to approach on con-running with as much transparency and inclusiveness as I can handle. I don’t want to work behind closed doors, even as I’m working with a small group. And I’m not certain I’m the person to talk about transparency, because information’s all well and good, but if no one’s listening/looking, it doesn’t really matter whether you’re keeping a secret or not.

I've had this conversation a couple times outside my head, and even more inside my head, the one about how society should treat members that behave in inappropriate ways. I believe that the more people tolerate a behavior, the more someone is likely to continue to behave in that way. If you are friends with a serial creeper, I believe that the way to go is to vote with your feet, to say you've behaved in an unforgivable way and I am not forgiving you. I don't believe in gradual rehabilitation, I believe things get changed (sometimes fixed, sometimes broken) in moments of crisis and that it's my responsibility to the world to stand up for everything that I can stand up for. And I know there are places where I fall down, places where I need help. Basically, after years and years of refusing to cry, I’ve now overcorrected in the other direction and cry when people yell (not a helpful trait when I move mostly in circles that occasionally think volume and persuasiveness are inextricably tangled)

So, basically, I guess I believe in ostracizing, sort of. But I also believe in inclusiveness.

I desperately want to be part of in groups. I have never gotten over being the fat kid in elementary school, where the popular kids would only play with me if I pitched for kickball, or swung for doubledutch, did something they didn’t want to more than they wanted to not talk to me. I’m still hiding in the library at lunch, trying to reject people before they reject me, so their rejection doesn’t hurt. (it only kind of works)

And I recognize that groups exist everywhere, that it’s probably how we think. Us/them ends up being a shortcut to safety, a way to make sense of too much information, armor against the slings and arrows. And I know that I’ve formed a club of two, Light and myself, and view the rest of the world as something that has to be bargained with, defended against, cajoled and tricked.

But, I don’t want to perpetuate that sort of thought. I don’t want to fume anymore about the injokes made at an Arisia meeting, I don’t want to feel like I’m trying to gain admission to some place where finally everyone will like me, and sometimes it will matter what I think. I’m happy to talk about the way cons work, because I love talking about the way people work, and sometimes con-running is an extremely interesting chess game. I’m happy to try to do this thing that I think I can do well, and it can be about hanging out with Purple, or Bespoke, or Kilt, or R, or any number of other people I like but don’t yet have nicknames, but it’s not about joining and I think now that I’ve sat down and stewed, I know that I don’t want it to be about joining.

And I will (of course) still dislike individuals. I’m far too snippy, far too impatient to confuse inclusiveness with liking people. I’m always going to be rubbed the wrong way by some ways of speaking, annoyed by what I see as someone not thinking what they’re doing through. But, in a perfect world, I’ll listen to them too.

There are all these things I want to accomplish forming a safety committee. There are all these things that I think I can do to make someplace safer, better, stronger. I told someone today that volunteering was like emotional kickstarting, that even if I didn’t have the idea, even if I wasn’t creating, I was still engaged in the process. I think this thing is going to drain the hell out of me, but I think I’ll probably also get energy from it.

(no subject)

so, i don't want to be a smof.

The more I think about Readercon, and the safety committee, and the more I talk to people about the safety committee, the more I realize that what I want to do is to approach on con-running with as much transparency and inclusiveness as I can handle. I don’t want to work behind closed doors, even as I’m working with a small group. And I’m not certain I’m the person to talk about transparency, because information’s all well and good, but if no one’s listening/looking, it doesn’t really matter whether you’re keeping a secret or not.

I've had this conversation a couple times outside my head, and even more inside my head, the one about how society should treat members that behave in inappropriate ways. I believe that the more people tolerate a behavior, the more someone is likely to continue to behave in that way. If you are friends with a serial creeper, I believe that the way to go is to vote with your feet, to say you've behaved in an unforgivable way and I am not forgiving you. I don't believe in gradual rehabilitation, I believe things get changed (sometimes fixed, sometimes broken) in moments of crisis and that it's my responsibility to the world to stand up for everything that I can stand up for. And I know there are places where I fall down, places where I need help. Basically, after years and years of refusing to cry, I’ve now overcorrected in the other direction and cry when people yell (not a helpful trait when I move mostly in circles that occasionally think volume and persuasiveness are inextricably tangled)

So, basically, I guess I believe in ostracizing, sort of. But I also believe in inclusiveness.

I desperately want to be part of in groups. I have never gotten over being the fat kid in elementary school, where the popular kids would only play with me if I pitched for kickball, or swung for doubledutch, did something they didn’t want to more than they wanted to not talk to me. I’m still hiding in the library at lunch, trying to reject people before they reject me, so their rejection doesn’t hurt. (it only kind of works)

And I recognize that groups exist everywhere, that it’s probably how we think. Us/them ends up being a shortcut to safety, a way to make sense of too much information, armor against the slings and arrows. And I know that I’ve formed a club of two, Light and myself, and view the rest of the world as something that has to be bargained with, defended against, cajoled and tricked.

But, I don’t want to perpetuate that sort of thought. I don’t want to fume anymore about the injokes made at an Arisia meeting, I don’t want to feel like I’m trying to gain admission to some place where finally everyone will like me, and sometimes it will matter what I think. I’m happy to talk about the way cons work, because I love talking about the way people work, and sometimes con-running is an extremely interesting chess game. I’m happy to try to do this thing that I think I can do well, and it can be about hanging out with Purple, or Bespoke, or Kilt, or R, or any number of other people I like but don’t yet have nicknames, but it’s not about joining and I think now that I’ve sat down and stewed, I know that I don’t want it to be about joining.

And I will (of course) still dislike individuals. I’m far too snippy, far too impatient to confuse inclusiveness with liking people. I’m always going to be rubbed the wrong way by some ways of speaking, annoyed by what I see as someone not thinking what they’re doing through. But, in a perfect world, I’ll listen to them too.

There are all these things I want to accomplish forming a safety committee. There are all these things that I think I can do to make someplace safer, better, stronger. I told someone today that volunteering was like emotional kickstarting, that even if I didn’t have the idea, even if I wasn’t creating, I was still engaged in the process. I think this thing is going to drain the hell out of me, but I think I’ll probably also get energy from it.