"my heart has some dangerous neighborhoods"

I wonder when I became such a prickly person. I want physical affection, but I can't seem to convince myself to relax enough to give it or get it. And it might be post-History, because I remember that awful, awful hug which felt like the way out-of-tune music sounds. And it might be why I occasionally find the tangle of the local poly scene and its parties attractive, because that's a way that I understand touching.

I'm messed the fuck up about sex. I know that I'm messed up about it. It took me forever to learn that I didn't need to have sex with anyone who was interested in me, even if I had displayed interest in them. Once upon a time my trick was, and I'm not certain that promiscuity counts as a trick, to convince people it was their idea to pick me up.

I thought that maybe Asshat was like a very close friend I was going to get to keep, because I was having sex with him, so maybe the story I think I've stopped playing (the one where I'm close (daily) friends with someone and then our lives go different ways, and they get a partner and no longer need me to fill the niche I'd been filling) would have a different ending. Which ended up being pretty much exactly how it played, but with even more heartbreak.

I'm less skin hungry than I used to be but it still happens and, no wordplay intended, I miss Skin playing with my hair like crazycakes some days, and I miss the days when I got to cuddle with Unexpected and look at naked ladies on the internet. And it's certainly something I'll figure out, and it might just be a language I don't get to speak anymore and that might be okay too.

"my heart has some dangerous neighborhoods"

I wonder when I became such a prickly person. I want physical affection, but I can't seem to convince myself to relax enough to give it or get it. And it might be post-History, because I remember that awful, awful hug which felt like the way out-of-tune music sounds. And it might be why I occasionally find the tangle of the local poly scene and its parties attractive, because that's a way that I understand touching.

I'm messed the fuck up about sex. I know that I'm messed up about it. It took me forever to learn that I didn't need to have sex with anyone who was interested in me, even if I had displayed interest in them. Once upon a time my trick was, and I'm not certain that promiscuity counts as a trick, to convince people it was their idea to pick me up.

I thought that maybe Asshat was like a very close friend I was going to get to keep, because I was having sex with him, so maybe the story I think I've stopped playing (the one where I'm close (daily) friends with someone and then our lives go different ways, and they get a partner and no longer need me to fill the niche I'd been filling) would have a different ending. Which ended up being pretty much exactly how it played, but with even more heartbreak.

I'm less skin hungry than I used to be but it still happens and, no wordplay intended, I miss Skin playing with my hair like crazycakes some days, and I miss the days when I got to cuddle with Unexpected and look at naked ladies on the internet. And it's certainly something I'll figure out, and it might just be a language I don't get to speak anymore and that might be okay too.