(no subject)

I was fine for most of the day. I'd teared up a little, but hadn't actually dissolved outright. I've felt a little bit like I was going to throw up the whole day, but haven't yet. And then I came home, and our dogsitter left us condolence flowers, and I realized all over again that she will never be here again.

She will never be here again.

No more white feet or elbow bites, no tuxedo princess cat to welcome me home or to pointedly ignore my return. There aren't the right number of cats at the food bowl, and I'll never know if they know she's gone.

I don't know what I want, or I want all sorts of things that don't line up. I want to be distracted, I want to never leave the house. I want to cry until I'm empty, but I also want to dam up the tears. I want to be busy, and I don't want to do anything but curl up on the couch and play flash games, read avengers fanfiction and browse kickstarter.

I'm still not certain how to mourn. And I'm certainly not enjoying developing the skill.

(no subject)

I was fine for most of the day. I'd teared up a little, but hadn't actually dissolved outright. I've felt a little bit like I was going to throw up the whole day, but haven't yet. And then I came home, and our dogsitter left us condolence flowers, and I realized all over again that she will never be here again.

She will never be here again.

No more white feet or elbow bites, no tuxedo princess cat to welcome me home or to pointedly ignore my return. There aren't the right number of cats at the food bowl, and I'll never know if they know she's gone.

I don't know what I want, or I want all sorts of things that don't line up. I want to be distracted, I want to never leave the house. I want to cry until I'm empty, but I also want to dam up the tears. I want to be busy, and I don't want to do anything but curl up on the couch and play flash games, read avengers fanfiction and browse kickstarter.

I'm still not certain how to mourn. And I'm certainly not enjoying developing the skill.