(no subject)

I was going to write a year-in-review post, and was reading my lj, but then I decided I'd be bored/depressed/overwhelmed by trying to summarize. So instead, I'm going to collect a handful of fierce things I've written in 2011, moods I want to capture and keep.

*I'm actually pretty interested in the project of being me at the moment.

* I'm going to make beauty out of this, dammit. Any part of the universe not on board with this plan can go screw.

*The cats don't mind the dog, Light thinks I'm awesome, Purple made an offhand comment about falconridge, and I know how to bake. And tomorrow, I'll figure out even more ways to rock this.

*I know that I’ve got an awesome life, and even here, I state the things I appreciate over and over again, litanies to keep me true. In the grand scheme of things, I really do have the cake, I’m just trying to figure out how to get chocolate frosting rather than the scallops-and-barbed wire frosting.

*So screw everything that makes me insecure, everything that's making me doubt myself, everything that's making me feel smaller and less important. There's a fucking woodpecker in my back yard and that's awesome.

*I'm still working on reading between the lines, figuring out which things I should challenge and which things I should accept. I've been in enough therapy to know that all my shoulds and supposed tos aren't actually helping me, but I also still know there's a difference between being centered and being the world's doormat.

*However, I am also awesome. And as soon as I'm done breeding the lung demons and this particular patch of non-stop hot flashes stops, I'm getting back on the awesome train. And yes, it's possible my bravado might be showing a little bit, but so are my tattoos.

*It's possible there's a way to actually like myself, to find some sort of peace that isn't purchased with blood, to not cling to things so hard that I damage them. More acceptance, less screaming. More smug smiles, fewer clenched jaws. I'm still not someone to be picked up or petted out of hand, but I won't always bite at the hands that do so.

*I will always still have killer tats, a wicked deadpan, and a sense of whimsy when supplied with dessert toppings. In the ways that I am lucky, I am very lucky.

*But seriously, I'm going to kick this recovery's ass.

*I'm better than I was last Friday, and I'll be better still next Friday.

*For all the fluttering and muttering I do, for all the striving, I have what I need to thrive right here. And I am thankful for it.

So there.

(no subject)

I was going to write a year-in-review post, and was reading my lj, but then I decided I'd be bored/depressed/overwhelmed by trying to summarize. So instead, I'm going to collect a handful of fierce things I've written in 2011, moods I want to capture and keep.

*I'm actually pretty interested in the project of being me at the moment.

* I'm going to make beauty out of this, dammit. Any part of the universe not on board with this plan can go screw.

*The cats don't mind the dog, Light thinks I'm awesome, Purple made an offhand comment about falconridge, and I know how to bake. And tomorrow, I'll figure out even more ways to rock this.

*I know that I’ve got an awesome life, and even here, I state the things I appreciate over and over again, litanies to keep me true. In the grand scheme of things, I really do have the cake, I’m just trying to figure out how to get chocolate frosting rather than the scallops-and-barbed wire frosting.

*So screw everything that makes me insecure, everything that's making me doubt myself, everything that's making me feel smaller and less important. There's a fucking woodpecker in my back yard and that's awesome.

*I'm still working on reading between the lines, figuring out which things I should challenge and which things I should accept. I've been in enough therapy to know that all my shoulds and supposed tos aren't actually helping me, but I also still know there's a difference between being centered and being the world's doormat.

*However, I am also awesome. And as soon as I'm done breeding the lung demons and this particular patch of non-stop hot flashes stops, I'm getting back on the awesome train. And yes, it's possible my bravado might be showing a little bit, but so are my tattoos.

*It's possible there's a way to actually like myself, to find some sort of peace that isn't purchased with blood, to not cling to things so hard that I damage them. More acceptance, less screaming. More smug smiles, fewer clenched jaws. I'm still not someone to be picked up or petted out of hand, but I won't always bite at the hands that do so.

*I will always still have killer tats, a wicked deadpan, and a sense of whimsy when supplied with dessert toppings. In the ways that I am lucky, I am very lucky.

*But seriously, I'm going to kick this recovery's ass.

*I'm better than I was last Friday, and I'll be better still next Friday.

*For all the fluttering and muttering I do, for all the striving, I have what I need to thrive right here. And I am thankful for it.

So there.

(no subject)

Someone said something about writing for an audience, and whether or not future-self counted as an audience. And I'm charmed by the idea. I remember a meme which was actually kind of excruciating about things one would say to sixteen-year-old self, but I think I'd like future-me to know some of the same things. No mood sticks around forever, no one in the history of time has ever not stopped crying, and be gentle with your(my) self. Also, five is totally enough pets.

(no subject)

Someone said something about writing for an audience, and whether or not future-self counted as an audience. And I'm charmed by the idea. I remember a meme which was actually kind of excruciating about things one would say to sixteen-year-old self, but I think I'd like future-me to know some of the same things. No mood sticks around forever, no one in the history of time has ever not stopped crying, and be gentle with your(my) self. Also, five is totally enough pets.