Note to self: rock much harder.

Mostly, I don't think of myself as a busy person. I think of us as a fairly sedate couple, we watch a lot of tv and hang out on the couch with our various animals.

But, I like to make plans. I make a lot of plans, and I'd say I keep probably around 75% of them. I like to go to shows, I like to go to talks, I like to hang out with the people I love, I like to learn things. And I still have whatever passes as agnostic crises of faith, wondering if I'm wasting my time or money or energy, but I'm not sure what else I should be spending them on. I'm not accumulating brownie points for an afterlife, or another life. I'm trying to leave the world a better place, but not in a living-in-a-yurt way.

And I struggle with the difference between wanting to do thing X and wanting to be someone who does thing X. I think I still worry a little bit much about my image, about how appealing a person, how competent, how self-contained I appear to other people. And I get a little disgusted with myself when I roll over and show my belly too quickly, when I extend myself, when I misstep. That said, I probably have a little crush on you.

I'm starting to try to unpack my assumption that I've always already done something wrong that I need to try to make up for, that I need to figure out the rules before I break them and if I don't, it's my fault for not being smart enough.

I've decided to try to hope for grand things out of 2012. More plans with people I like, more efforts to be a person I like. Less surgery, more tattoos. Less fear, more joy.

Note to self: rock much harder.

Mostly, I don't think of myself as a busy person. I think of us as a fairly sedate couple, we watch a lot of tv and hang out on the couch with our various animals.

But, I like to make plans. I make a lot of plans, and I'd say I keep probably around 75% of them. I like to go to shows, I like to go to talks, I like to hang out with the people I love, I like to learn things. And I still have whatever passes as agnostic crises of faith, wondering if I'm wasting my time or money or energy, but I'm not sure what else I should be spending them on. I'm not accumulating brownie points for an afterlife, or another life. I'm trying to leave the world a better place, but not in a living-in-a-yurt way.

And I struggle with the difference between wanting to do thing X and wanting to be someone who does thing X. I think I still worry a little bit much about my image, about how appealing a person, how competent, how self-contained I appear to other people. And I get a little disgusted with myself when I roll over and show my belly too quickly, when I extend myself, when I misstep. That said, I probably have a little crush on you.

I'm starting to try to unpack my assumption that I've always already done something wrong that I need to try to make up for, that I need to figure out the rules before I break them and if I don't, it's my fault for not being smart enough.

I've decided to try to hope for grand things out of 2012. More plans with people I like, more efforts to be a person I like. Less surgery, more tattoos. Less fear, more joy.