"like the way water never holds"

So, at first, I wanted to begin this entry with the statement "I think I have hysterical relationships." And then I qualified it by saying I knew the history of the word hysterical, and how it was inappropriate to use and that I'm certain a false pregnancy can be devastating. Then I tried to figure out if there was a way to bend either Munchhausen syndrome or hypochondria to the situation but neither of those are quite true, either.

And I don't want to be that girl who diagnoses herself on the internet, that's not the point. Hysterical was sufficiently unmedical sounding to make the focus of the sentence be the thing I'm doing, not the why I'm doing it. I am creating relationships with people out of whole cloth, believing that I'm being shunned when really I'm just not on the field of play.

I create these one-sided narratives, assuming other people are weighing the merits of interacting with me and finding me wanting, imagine that silence equals dismissal, imagining that no commenting, no emailing, or no chatting means that they are deliberately giving me the cold shoulder. And the real story probably doesn't have much to do with that, dismissals and cold shoulders are active, and what's probably really happening is that I'm out-of-mind.

A friend used to say "no one thinks as much about you as you do" and she meant it as a general statement, not a critique of my self-absorption, as in we're all the main character in our own lives. I want everything to have patterns, to be predictable, and if that means that I force indifference to look like rejection because I at least know rejection well enough, then I should probably try to reorient myself.

I like my rejection right up front, I don't want to invest too much time in anything that will end with someone telling me I've got too much baggage, too much crazy, too much damage, too much need. So I present myself at full boil, rather than an introductory simmer, all vinegar and no honey.

Someone on my friend's list occasionally posts horoscopes, and she's the same sign as I, and sometimes I just want, for a second or two, to believe that they are true. Not necessarily because the stars say so, just because I want to be lumped in with a group, just because I want to be the person the horoscope is talking about.

( This the thing I want to be true today. )

I'm writing here all the time and I need to start trying to figure out what that's all about. Not the weird liminal public/private nature of lj, I don't think I'll ever find a way to untangle that for myself, but why I want to write words down, what I'm trying to capture or sort out.

"like the way water never holds"

So, at first, I wanted to begin this entry with the statement "I think I have hysterical relationships." And then I qualified it by saying I knew the history of the word hysterical, and how it was inappropriate to use and that I'm certain a false pregnancy can be devastating. Then I tried to figure out if there was a way to bend either Munchhausen syndrome or hypochondria to the situation but neither of those are quite true, either.

And I don't want to be that girl who diagnoses herself on the internet, that's not the point. Hysterical was sufficiently unmedical sounding to make the focus of the sentence be the thing I'm doing, not the why I'm doing it. I am creating relationships with people out of whole cloth, believing that I'm being shunned when really I'm just not on the field of play.

I create these one-sided narratives, assuming other people are weighing the merits of interacting with me and finding me wanting, imagine that silence equals dismissal, imagining that no commenting, no emailing, or no chatting means that they are deliberately giving me the cold shoulder. And the real story probably doesn't have much to do with that, dismissals and cold shoulders are active, and what's probably really happening is that I'm out-of-mind.

A friend used to say "no one thinks as much about you as you do" and she meant it as a general statement, not a critique of my self-absorption, as in we're all the main character in our own lives. I want everything to have patterns, to be predictable, and if that means that I force indifference to look like rejection because I at least know rejection well enough, then I should probably try to reorient myself.

I like my rejection right up front, I don't want to invest too much time in anything that will end with someone telling me I've got too much baggage, too much crazy, too much damage, too much need. So I present myself at full boil, rather than an introductory simmer, all vinegar and no honey.

Someone on my friend's list occasionally posts horoscopes, and she's the same sign as I, and sometimes I just want, for a second or two, to believe that they are true. Not necessarily because the stars say so, just because I want to be lumped in with a group, just because I want to be the person the horoscope is talking about.

( This the thing I want to be true today. )

I'm writing here all the time and I need to start trying to figure out what that's all about. Not the weird liminal public/private nature of lj, I don't think I'll ever find a way to untangle that for myself, but why I want to write words down, what I'm trying to capture or sort out.