like (Write it!) like disaster

So, I know there are things I want. Things I learn every day from Light, things I learned from Asshat and T, from Junkyard and History, from most of the people who have crossed my path, be they still with me or off to their own pursuits. (I don't find this a particularly insightful thing to say, I think this happens to everyone, and one of my stated life-goals is to try to leave people better than I found them.)

And, it turns out, that I want more than what I have right now. And I don't know if that's because it is in my nature not to be satisfied with what I have, and that I will always want the fruit out of reach, even if the fruit in reach is the awesomest fruit to ever fruit or because I honestly would be happier with something above and beyond what I have in my life right now.

And I know that there are people that I'm still trying to become closer to, with varying degrees of success, and that there are things I think I'd be happier with. Which isn't to say that there aren't fantastic people in my life, and isn't to say that I'm asking this of any of them, we all have our own lives, and we're all in the process of finding the best way to fit together.

But, I want someone who thinks that occasionally you should stalk around the house reading Bishop's "One Art" out loud. I want someone to ask me questions. However chatty I eventually get, I think I'm a listener most of the time, and that I'm not very good at inserting myself into my conversations, and so when I do come out with something, it's all pretentious and proclamatory. And I want some sort of public declaration of friendship. (Turns out I'm still carrying around Lesson choosing to be friends with me in secret my senior year of highschool, still carrying around the results of an ill-advised year being the other woman to my roommate's boyfriend) (purple is really good at giving me that sort of reassurance, possibly without even knowing that she is).

And I don't feel like unpacking why I think I should be able to give myself all those things. And I don't think I'm asking you, world at large, to satisfy these desires, and I say this with as little passive-aggressiveness as I can manage. It's a rough draft of my letter to the world.

like (Write it!) like disaster

So, I know there are things I want. Things I learn every day from Light, things I learned from Asshat and T, from Junkyard and History, from most of the people who have crossed my path, be they still with me or off to their own pursuits. (I don't find this a particularly insightful thing to say, I think this happens to everyone, and one of my stated life-goals is to try to leave people better than I found them.)

And, it turns out, that I want more than what I have right now. And I don't know if that's because it is in my nature not to be satisfied with what I have, and that I will always want the fruit out of reach, even if the fruit in reach is the awesomest fruit to ever fruit or because I honestly would be happier with something above and beyond what I have in my life right now.

And I know that there are people that I'm still trying to become closer to, with varying degrees of success, and that there are things I think I'd be happier with. Which isn't to say that there aren't fantastic people in my life, and isn't to say that I'm asking this of any of them, we all have our own lives, and we're all in the process of finding the best way to fit together.

But, I want someone who thinks that occasionally you should stalk around the house reading Bishop's "One Art" out loud. I want someone to ask me questions. However chatty I eventually get, I think I'm a listener most of the time, and that I'm not very good at inserting myself into my conversations, and so when I do come out with something, it's all pretentious and proclamatory. And I want some sort of public declaration of friendship. (Turns out I'm still carrying around Lesson choosing to be friends with me in secret my senior year of highschool, still carrying around the results of an ill-advised year being the other woman to my roommate's boyfriend) (purple is really good at giving me that sort of reassurance, possibly without even knowing that she is).

And I don't feel like unpacking why I think I should be able to give myself all those things. And I don't think I'm asking you, world at large, to satisfy these desires, and I say this with as little passive-aggressiveness as I can manage. It's a rough draft of my letter to the world.